Karen Zerby
GN 1183 FD/MM/FM
By Maria 3603 6/06
Parents and teachers, please feel free to share any helpful age-appropriate material from this Letter with your children.
Cover quote: Etiquette—those little acts of love and respect—are the strawberries and cream on the cake of life. Serve others generously and they will love you for it!
Dear Family,
1. When I was working on "The Art of War, Part 6," with the weapon focus on the Law of Love, the Lord laid it on my heart that I needed to publish more practical counsel for you on the subject of etiquette and manners. We have a lot of wonderful counsel in the Word on the subject of love, of doing unto others as we would have them do unto us, and being kind and considerate, but we haven't published a lot of examples or practical tips about how to give love in everyday life.
2. Now, I know that having good manners, courtesy and etiquette is not the only way of showing love—and I'm not minimizing the other ways, such as sacrificially helping others, giving financially‚ praying for one another‚ etc. But manners are a very big part of showing love, and it's an area that we can all stand to improve in, and it doesn't even take that much effort to do so. By having good manners, we show others that we care about them, that we love them, that their happiness is important to us. It's a wonderful aid for enhancing unity and brotherhood, and makes communal living so much more pleasant.
3. Having good manners and learning better etiquette isn't just something that is going to improve our Home life and make all of us feel happier and more loved. It will also greatly improve our witness and sample to outsiders‚ and to the sheep and friends and contacts whom we interact with. Taking simple steps to show love in such practical ways not only means a lot to those we live with, but anyone we come into contact with.
4. You may be a very loving person in your heart, you may mean well and have good intentions, and may think loving thoughts toward others, but if you don't know how to practically show that love to others‚ then it's meaningless. As the quote says, "Love wasn't put in your heart to stay. Love isn't love till you give it away." We have to give love. We have to show love. And one way to do that is by brushing up on our manners and learning some good old-fashioned courtesy and consideration. Good etiquette is one practical way of showing love.
5. Unfortunately, many of us in the Family are somewhat lacking in good manners and common courtesy. I'm not sure why that is. Perhaps for some of you it's because you were never taught the courteous way to do things; you never had the training. Some of you may know the basic rules of etiquette, but have let the pressures of life crowd out this very important aspect. Maybe for others it's because you've grown familiar with those that you live with, and no longer feel it's so necessary to show love in all the little ways; perhaps you feel it's too much trouble. Or you figure, "It's not so necessary to polish up my manners for the people I live with; they'll understand and love me anyway."
6. Maybe you've tried to up your standard of manners and have encouraged others to do the same, but have become frustrated because you never get anywhere. Or perhaps your manners have gotten lost in your big Home, because everyone is so busy and feels they don't have time for practicing etiquette. Maybe it's at the bottom of your agenda of things to do; perhaps you feel there's so much else that's important, so why go to all of the trouble of trying to brush up on etiquette?
7. Whatever our reasons for losing the spirit of outgoing courtesy and manners in our Homes, we need to make a turnaround. We need to realize that it is important. It's part of showing love. It contributes to unity and a strong winning team. It's part of our sample and witness to the world. It enhances brotherhood. It's a way to offensively use the weapon of the Law of Love. It's a way to teach and train our children, so that they can be shining examples of love and consideration as they grow into adults.
8. We need to realize that having etiquette and good manners and being courteous is not just a nice thing; it's a necessity. It's a must. I'm not talking about us getting all "letter of the law" about it now. I'm not talking about getting snooty and formal and "oh so proper" in our manners. I'm just talking about making simple loving etiquette and manners a part of our everyday lives—not just for our own sakes, but for the sake of our children, and for the sake of our witness. It's what the Lord expects of us, and what we should expect of ourselves.
9. When your friends or Active members visit your Home, they expect to see love in action—and you owe that to them. And as we all know‚ it's the little daily acts of love and decency that are the most obvious, and that embody love. And in order for that to show through, you have to be practicing good etiquette and loving manners all the time. You and your children can't fake being a good sample to those that you are ministering to. Either you have good‚ loving manners or you don't, and others will see that and pick up on it.
10. So, because etiquette training is such a need in the Family‚ we prayed about it, and the Lord and Dad gave a lot of messages on the topic. We went through those messages and pulled out all of the main quotes, tips, and pointers to share with you here. We've also categorized them for your easy reading and review. I'll bet that you will all find some things that you already do well in, other areas that you could stand to improve in, and perhaps some things that will even be a mini-revelation to you, because you just didn't realize they were a part of love and good manners before.
11. A lot of the points will be review for you. So don't be surprised as you begin to read through them if you feel like, "I've heard most of this before." Chances are, you probably have heard a lot of it before. But the reason we're including a lot of the points that you've heard many times before is because they're areas that we can still stand to improve in. Unfortunately‚ because we have gotten so out of the habit of having good manners, we have begun to overlook even some of the most basic and elementary things in our lives. So be sure to take to heart even the things that are "review," and don't just brush them aside. Ask the Lord as you read how you can do better in those areas as well.
12. Don't be overwhelmed with all of the different points‚ though. You don't need to become an etiquette expert overnight. But I would like to ask you to ask the Lord to help you to change, and that you begin to take some steps today to improve in this area of your life. Make being kind and courteous and having good manners something that you personally desire and pursue. Decide that you want to be known for your consideration and courtesy, and for your good manners and outgoing love. Make it a personal goal, something you believe in.
13. You don't have to start with everything, but you can start to implement a few of the pointers in this Letter so that they can become habits for you. Or you could choose one category and work on that. Then once you've become proficient in that area, you can move on to the next. And don't worry about what other people will think of you if you start doing the things in this Letter. That's the point: to put the Word into practice‚ and to start obeying. And if you do, it's to your credit. You might be doing it just because the Word says so at first, and it will be a little humbling, but with time it will become second nature to you.
14. It will be easier if you can make it a Home push. If you're all working on improving together, it will be much easier for everyone. No one will feel on the spot or singled out if you're all learning together, and even talking about how you're trying to put into practice some of the tips in this Letter. Just do it because I said so—and more importantly, because Dad and Jesus said so!
15. Also‚ as a side note, I want you to know that these sections with tips on various topics are not comprehensive. In other words, we couldn't possibly include every single tip and pointer in every single category from every single country, and that wasn't the Lord and Dad's plan either. They gave us their counsel on some of the most important things, the areas that we can begin to improve in, but it's not an A to Z manual on etiquette. If it were, it would be a whole lot longer, ha! But it is a good start, and it's something we can begin to work toward.
16. Thank you, dear Family, for taking this GN to heart and having an etiquette revolution in your Home! However, in your efforts to make this more a part of our lives, let's not forget that love is the most important thing‚ not rules and formality. We won't always have perfect etiquette‚ but if we're trying to be loving and considerate, and are aware of these rules, then we'll do our best, and that's all the Lord expects of us.
With love, Mama
17. (Jesus:) "Etiquette" is a stuffy-sounding and ponderous word, but it has a simple meaning: the proper way to behave in any given situation. And that way of behaving is simpler still—with love. Speak with love, act with love, react with love. Etiquette, good manners, courtesy and consideration are all ways to demonstrate your love for others. If you're ever in doubt as to what etiquette prescribes in any given situation‚ do the loving thing. Love never fails!
[End of box.]
Note: All tips and excerpts of prophecy in this GN are from Jesus‚ unless otherwise indicated.
18. Some things are outdated, but opening a door for a woman‚ pulling out a chair for her to be seated, and carrying a heavy load for her are not among those things.
19. Men, look for ways to use your natural physical strength to show your appreciation to women. For example, ask if you can carry, lift, or open something for her if you notice that she could use your help.
20. Women, keep an eye out for the little things that you can do for men to show them your appreciation, such as sewing on a button, ironing a shirt for him, or making him a special snack.
21. Men, treat women with gentleness.
22. (Dad:) Let's go back to the days when men acted like real men by being kind and respectful to women, and when women didn't try to be so tough that they didn't need help from the men.
23. Men, if you want the women around you to love and respect you, you are going to have to treat them with love and respect as well. Show them some appreciation, genuine kindness, and it will come back to you one hundredfold. If you take the time to tell the women around you that they look good, that you appreciate the things that they do for you, and that you are thankful for them, you will find they will be willing to go out of their way to do things for you.
24. When there are more women around than men, it's very easy for the women to get discouraged and feel that there is no one for them. It's easy for them to get negative and feel unloved. So if you're one of the few men around, do your best to show love to them all, and go out of your way to appreciate them all.
25. (Dad:) Sometimes men are afraid to show love to women, to pay them compliments and to be affectionate with them, for fear that the women will get emotional or attached to them. And if you don't feel emotional about the women, you don't want them to think you are. This can often be a dilemma. But one way to solve this problem is to not be partial in your affection and attention. Pay compliments and be loving to all the women around you, of both generations. Then if something does come up that seems like it might be getting complicated, rather than backing off from being loving and affectionate, go to the Lord and ask Him how He wants you to handle the situation and what is the best way to work it out. He will show you how to do it in the most loving way possible.
26. Ladies, a wee word of advice on how to treat men: Be positive about them, even if they don't seem to be "Prince Charming," and even if they aren't as thankful for you as you'd like them to be. If you speak well of them in public and in private, you will earn their appreciation and respect.
27. (Dad: ) It's often easy for you women in the Family to compare the guys around you to the guys you meet while out witnessing. The guys in the System seem like they would do anything for you. They treat you well and respect you. Yet often the guys around you in the Home act like you don't exist. This can be a trial for many girls, and I'm sorry about this. I wish our guys treated you better; it really does make me sad when you feel unloved and as if you would have to leave the Family to get a guy who really treats you well. This isn't the way it should be, or the way I or the Lord want the Family to be.
28. But instead of complaining about it and getting down and discouraged about it, pray for the guys around you. Pray that they learn how to treat you better and then go out of your way to make them feel loved and appreciated.
29. (Dad: ) There isn't a man on Earth who likes to be put down by a woman. So if you want the men to love you, you're going to have to learn to treat them right. Our men are wonderful and the Lord is working in their lives all the time to help them to be humble and to be His brides and not be macho. But as a rule, men have a lot of pride, and that pride can easily be hurt if you're not prayerful and loving in your interactions with them. If you feel that a man needs to be more humble and stay in his place more, leave that to the Lord and his shepherds. Ask the Lord to work in his life to keep him humble, but women, don't you make it your job.
30. Ladies, putting a man down intellectually or even physically by trying to prove how capable you are in the natural turns him off. He wants to have interesting conversations with you, and some men like women who are a little tougher and not so weak and fragile. But trying to prove that you are smarter than he is, that you know more than he does, that you have had more experiences than him‚ and that you can even do some things physically better than him, isn't really the way to win a man's heart.
31. Women, if you butt into conversations, contradict men in front of others, and then criticize them in front of other women for not being what you want them to be, how can you then expect them to love you and be loving toward you? You'll find it easier to get and keep a man if you're treating him as you'd like him to treat you.
32. You feel that that is just the way you are, that you can't help yourself, and that the man who is right for you will love you anyway. True, he might. But it will make your relationship with him‚ once you get him, a lot less stormy if you learn these things now. And it might help you to have a lot more fun along the way with the men who are around you right now, if you can learn to treat them right.
33. Men, some women really like it when you kiss their hand; it's a humble and noble gesture, very gentlemanly. Women like and appreciate it, for the most part, and it's something that everyone can do from time to time. A little "trick of the trade" to try every so often: At dinner when everyone's sitting around, hold hands for prayer‚ and if you're holding a woman's hand, kiss it after the prayer. It's a small gesture, but a sweet way of showing love.
34. Say, "I love you!" "I appreciate you!" "I thank the Lord for you!" Keep speaking words of love. Words can sometimes do more for a woman than anything else—especially if you are speaking with love, tenderness‚ meaning, and sincerity.
35. And, women, this can be true for men too!
36. Most women like a man to notice when she wears a new dress or outfit, or fixes her hair differently, and tries to look nice for them. She appreciates it when a man takes notice of these little details of her appearance, and sincerely compliments her on them.
37. Most women like to be treated as ladies, and with gentleness and respect for their individuality. She doesn't appreciate being spoken of or treated as a "sex object," as many men in the world treat women, but rather responds well to sincere comments about her unique qualities and personal attractiveness‚ both outward and inward.
38. A time-honored gesture that men can do to show gentlemanly courtesy to women is to open the car door for her, and then close it for her. Or pull out a chair for her to be seated at the table. It's not so much the act itself, but the thoughtfulness and extra consideration for her as a woman that she appreciates.
39. Thank your men for all the little things around the house that they take care of, and the business they attend to that you don't have to worry about.
40. Hold special appreciation nights or parties for the opposite sex—one in honor of the men, and another in honor of the women.
41. Women, accept compliments from a man by showing him that you appreciate the gesture. Say something like, "Thank you. What a nice thing to say!" In whatever words suit you best, acknowledge the man's effort to do the humble thing and compliment you. It doesn't matter whether or not you agree with what he has said. Men, do the same when women compliment you.
42. A man who doesn't take care of his appearance makes a woman wonder if that is how little he would care for her.
43. One of the easiest ways for men to show courtesy to women is by having a clean appearance.
44. A lot of guys like to tease and play around with women. While it's fun to play around and to sometimes be rowdy, it's not good to always act this way around women, because to treat them like that consistently shows a lack of respect and love.
45. Men, when you sit at a table with a bunch of guys, and maybe one or two women, try not to completely dominate the conversation or be totally oblivious of the women, but rather include them in the conversation. It's true that many times women aren't interested in the same things that you like to talk about, but you should make an effort to include them and to talk about things that they are interested in as well.
46. The same goes for you women. If you are sitting around with a group of friends and one or two guys are there, try not to stick solely to girly topics, which will completely bore the males. When you're in a group setting, try to talk about something that will include everyone. Widen your perspective on the things you like to do or talk about, so that you can include the opposite sex more in your conversations and activities. In the long run‚ it will be more enjoyable for you, and will bring more variety.
47. One thing that many women do not realize is that men are not impervious to embarrassment. Public embarrassment is something that men do not take well, and what can seem like a little thing can blow up into a huge deal. Men may not seem very sensitive, but that doesn't mean that they can't be hurting inside. So be careful not to say or do things in public that could cause them to be embarrassed in front of others.
48. When men do something nice for you women, thank them. If they offer to carry something for you, let them—even if you feel capable. Allowing men to be gentlemen will encourage them that they are gentlemen.
49. Save him/her a plate of food if you notice they're not at the meal, or that they are running late.
50. (Dad:) When you want to give a compliment to a woman‚ ask the Lord to show you her real beauty. Is it just the nice clothes and tasteful makeup that makes her attractive? Or is that really nothing without those beautiful and endearing feminine qualities that you see when you look deep into her eyes? Where is the real beauty?
51. (Dad:) Tell a woman that you appreciate the effort she makes to look nice. Tell her you appreciate the manner in which she applies just the right amount of makeup that enhances her beauty, but does not overwhelm it. Tell her you appreciate her hard work and dedication and the fact that she does what she does so well. Tell her you appreciate her soft skin, sparkling eyes, and the graceful manner in which she carries herself.
52. Tell her how cute her nose or lips or eyes are. Of course, you don't want to come across in an overtly sexual fashion, but there is nothing wrong with manifesting some appreciation for the beautiful creation of the Lord. Whatever you say or do, be sincere and not flippant or disingenuous (insincere).
53. Express your love and appreciation for your boyfriend or girlfriend by showing him/her your respect—never talking negatively about them behind their back or in front of others.
54. (Question: ) Is it now going to be the Family standard that the men always open the doors, pull out the chairs, and help women in these "gentlemanly" ways? Is it realistic that we're going to be able to do this in our busy Family Homes?
55. (Jesus: ) You don't have to be so rigid that you always do these things—that women don't sit down to eat unless a man pulls out her chair for her, or that the man always has to open the car door for her, etc. But I would like to see a lot more of these little gestures of love within your Homes, because they're nearly nonexistent right now. It's not good for men to get into the habit of never doing these kinds of little things for women, and it's not good for women to get into the habit of never allowing men to do them either. It's not good for you personally, and it's not good for your sample and your witness.
56. I'm not expecting etiquette perfection, but I do expect that you men will take the time to think of these little gestures of love and be gentlemen every so often, when the situation warrants it. And then when the men do these things, you women should be humble enough to accept the gesture of love. If you men are not prepared and practiced in doing some of these things, then if you're ever in a situation when it's expected‚ such as in a "reach the rich" situation, you might really offend someone. The same goes for you women, if you're not used to accepting such gentlemanly gestures.
57. You don't have to do these things all of the time, but get in the habit of doing them when you can. For example, if your Home is having a special dinner, the men could make an effort to pull out the chairs for the women. Or, if you're taking your wife or girlfriend out for a special dinner or outing, open the car door for her. Or just do these things whenever you feel that I am giving you a check to make an extra effort to show someone that you love and appreciate them. But, of course, if you want to make it a habit to be a gentleman as often as possible, then feel free to do these things—like pulling out chairs for women and opening doors for them—often.
58. The point is not that you must now become letter of the law about this, but I do wish for these little acts of love between the sexes to be much more prevalent in the Family than they presently are. And it's not just opening doors and pulling out chairs, either. There are all kinds of things, such as offering to carry things for women, walking on the side of the road that is most dangerous (closer to the cars), lending a woman your hand when getting on and off public transport, etc. There are so many ways that love can be shown, so make an effort to do these things more.
59. Give credit to whom credit is due. If you are ever thanked or appreciated for something that involved others—if it was someone else's idea that you helped to bring to pass, or if there were others involved in getting something done behind the scenes—be sure to give the credit to the right people. Don't just take it all for yourself. Accepting the praise yourself while not acknowledging and crediting other people for their help and good ideas is very bad manners and shows a lack of love.
60. It doesn't matter whether or not the person is present. If they aren't, you can still give them credit behind their back, by saying something like, "God bless so-and–so who did most of the work on this." Or "Thanks to so-and-so whose idea this was." Often, credit given when someone is not even around at the time will mean more to them if they hear about it later.
61. (Dad: ) Ask the Lord to help you to notice people's contributions, such as who washed the dog, or who put the provisioning away, or who planned prayer time‚ or who ministered to your contact, so that you can thank them.
62. (Comment from a Family member:) "A friend of mine never gets thanks for much. Once she made seven trays of lasagna by herself for her Home, stood in the kitchen all day to make it nice for them, and all they had to say was‚ 'Isn't there any more?’ I think that's terrible, and it's happened to me as well in various Homes. Maybe it's just a general thing to forget to appreciate those in the Home who make it work and run. I don't know what it is; all I know is that it's wrong."
63. (Mama: ) Amen, it is wrong! It's very sad, and I hope this will not happen again to anyone. Please learn how to express appreciation to the people who are making your life a blessing.
64. It's nice to give specific appreciation, if you can, as that can often be more meaningful than something general. For example, if you know that someone took time to check out some praise ideas in the GNs in order to come up with a united praise time activity, instead of saying, "Thanks for leading praise time," try something more specific, like, "Thanks for trying the 'in his shoes' praise time idea. That was inspiring."
65. However, if you can't think of or remember the specifics, don't use that as an excuse to not appreciate the person. General appreciation is better than no appreciation at all, and will still encourage and uplift the receiver.
66. The best appreciation is appreciation that comes from the heart, with sincerity. But even the more parrot-like appreciation is better than nothing if that's all you feel that you can give. The fact that you said something to appreciate and thank the person shows that you're trying to love them, even if you're still learning how to express yourself more personally and specifically.
67. Appreciation can be simple. You can simply say, "Thank you for doing such a good job on dishes‚" or "Thank you for helping with the JJT today," or "Thank you for the blessing you are to the Family through your ministry." You don't have to be eloquent or have a huge vocabulary to be an avid appreciator.
68. Appreciation is:
* Relatively simple to give.
* A practical way of showing love‚ and increasing unity.
* One way to make the recipient feel needed and that their job is worthwhile.
* A simple, loving step to help improve relations between people.
* Complimenting someone on the way they look.
* Thanking someone for what they've done.
* Taking time to stop and even go out of your way to make someone feel loved and appreciated.
* Going the extra mile to reach out with words of love, not just when it's practical or easy, but even to your own discomfort.
* A positive pull that makes people want to do even better.
* An uplifting force that can pull someone out of discouragement and monotony and give them the spark of life once again.
* A muscle that needs to be exercised and practiced, and by use, grows to be a strong asset.
* A tool to set aside differences and to unify in a spirit of love and consideration.
69. Appreciation can work wonders to generate or rejuvenate love between you and someone you feel distant from.
70. Sometimes words of encouragement and appreciation are hard to say. It takes humility to say them, so that's why it's hard to do it. But once you start, it gets easier all the time‚ and after a while it will just seem natural.
71. I cannot reach out to those around you without your help.
72. I hold each of you responsible for whether others feel loved and appreciated or not.
73. Appreciation is not some great big show or performance that must be put on; it's shown in the little things that you notice about another and you compliment them on. It's not walking past someone in indifference, but greeting them, seizing the moment to reach out and show them some affection and appreciation.
74. No matter how corny you feel, no matter how humbling it is, appreciation means the world to the other person.
75. You might not feel very eloquent, but the love and appreciation from your heart will come through and others will feel it.
76. It's easy to get caught up in the grind of everyday life and wonder if the things that you do really make a difference and have any effect. But when others take the time to verbalize their appreciation, it helps to put the spark back into your work.
77. When you notice something that you admire in someone, don't just stand there in silent admiration, but let your words be heard. Let it be known what you think.
78. Ask for a spirit helper of encouragement and appreciation, and they will help you to improve in this area of your life.
79. I can override whatever areas you feel you lack in when it comes to the giving of appreciation.
80. Take the time to say something nice to someone. It might seem silly to you, but it could be just what that person needs at that moment, and you'd be helping them more than you could ever know.
81. (Dad:) You need to be able to see each person as the Lord sees them. You need to see the positive and the good—and mention it. It's not as if you don't see the negative things, but you need to overlook them. You can't dwell on the things that aren't positive.
82. People have problems and annoying tendencies, but many times your positive attitude toward them can help them to overcome those problems, or make it so that they have less importance than they might otherwise have.
83. The keys of humility and love will unlock the chamber of appreciation and enable you to see the wonderful qualities that your mates possess.
84. (Dad:) Ask the Lord what there is to appreciate about each person. Ask the Lord to open your eyes, as His are, to see the value of each person. Once you start on that road of appreciation, you will never go back.
85. (Dad: ) Those who are at the receiving end of the appreciation need to be humble in order to graciously accept what the person is doing or saying, and understand that it has taken effort and faith to step out and show appreciation. It is just as bad to refuse to accept appreciation as it is to refuse to give it. Humility is needed on both ends. When you are giving or receiving appreciation, you are the Lord's love to that person.
86. When you say something in appreciation of a certain quality that someone has that might not be so evident, then it shows you have prayed about it‚ and thought on the good qualities that this person possesses.
87. (Dad: ) Appreciation for the small things is often just as important. Most people remember to thank and appreciate others for the big things that they do, the things that are noticeable and hard to miss. But a lot of people don't take the time to appreciate or thank others for the little things, because it takes more effort and insight to notice them, and thus the appreciation means a lot to the recipient. So try to appreciate both—the big things and the little things.
88. Diligence requires dedication, hard work, and discipline. You see the fruit of the diligence, but what you often don't see is what goes behind that diligence—the commitment to do things in an orderly and proper fashion. Have you appreciated this in one of your mates lately?
89. If you're busy showing someone appreciation, you won't have time to criticize or find fault with them.
90. Ask Me to help you to be more appreciative. Ask Me for the gift‚ and the key of appreciation.
91. (Dad:) Don't think that you can't start being more appreciative today, because you aren't so good at it or haven't had much experience. You have to start somewhere, so take that step of faith. Tell someone what you appreciate about them. Ask the Lord for something specific to mention to them. It doesn't have to be a big thing, just something simple and sincere.
92. Show your appreciation by clapping for the cook.
93. (Dad:) Remember the story of Tommy, the little crippled boy who felt he couldn't do much for the Lord due to his circumstances—but despite that, he did what he could to give love to others? You can all be like Tommy. You can always drop a little love into the hearts of those you pass by with a word, a smile, a tender look, a gentle touch, a hug‚ a kiss, a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, an affectionate squeeze, a pat on the shoulder, a kiss on the hand, a touch on the face, or with simple words of acknowledgment and appreciation.
94. (Dad: ) If you think something nice about someone, say it! And if nice things about others don't often come to you‚ pray and ask the Lord to help you, and He will.
95. Thanks and appreciation water the seeds of kindness and love that have been sown, and cause them to grow into more acts of love and kindness. Nothing kills acts of kindness and courtesy more than a lack of appreciation, because people get burnt out. And once someone has been burnt out, it can take a while before they feel up to trying again.
96. Thank…
* The mother, teacher, or childcare helper for dedicating their lives to My little ones that bring such joy to your Home.
* The witnessers for all that they do to get out My message and feed and minister to the lost and needy, despite the many hardships and battles they face each day.
* Each person in your Home for something. If you pause to think about what they do, then you will find occasion to thank them, reasons to appreciate them.
97. Accept the appreciation and thanks of others; treasure their compliments instead of rejecting them. You may feel embarrassed by praise or appreciation, but receiving it humbly and thankfully is part of love. If you protest too much and talk about what a sinner you are and how unworthy you are of anything, you negate the gift of love that they are trying to give you. You also make it harder for them to give you such gifts of love and appreciation in the future if you are so resistant to receiving them in the present.
98. All the admiration and encouragement in the world will do no good if kept locked up in your thoughts.
99. Something that someone does may be "their job," but it's still important to say "thank you," to acknowledge their efforts and labors, to show gratitude and appreciation.
100. If you know someone is shy and would be embarrassed if you thanked them publicly, thank them privately. And vice versa, if you know that someone doesn't mind the limelight, go ahead and thank them publicly. Or maybe a handwritten note of thanks‚ or an e-mail is what will mean the most to them, or perhaps a cup of tea‚ or a hug. Find out how people like to be thanked—either by asking them personally‚ or asking Me—and then thank them accordingly.
101. If it's difficult for you to receive sincere thanks‚ it's probably your pride. Acknowledge appreciation humbly.
102. Sometimes the best way to show appreciation is to "put your money where your mouth is." If you see that the cook put a lot into the meal and you're really thankful, help out with the dishes. If someone invites you to a party, ask what you can bring or contribute. If you're grateful to another Home for letting you stay overnight on your trip, help out with some cleanup, leave the place where you stayed nicer than when you found it, and offer a monetary donation. If you borrow something from someone and you know it was a sacrifice for them, do something in return that shows them that you appreciated their sacrifice and noticed. Sometimes it takes more than just a few loving words to properly express appreciation. Especially if it was a very big sacrifice or gift, you might need to thank the person repeatedly, ask Me what you can do to help them or give to them, and not let it just pass by with a simple note of thanks.
103. Children should thank those who care for them, who take them places, who give them things, who cook for them or make or buy their clothes or other needs.
104. Children should learn about good or bad times to approach people. They should learn to avoid interrupting others or disturbing their work as much as possible. They should learn respect for meetings‚ for prayer times, for prophecy times, for people's days off, for their parents' quiet times, or any other such times when people are focusing and need peace and quiet. They should learn to be quiet at such times‚ or go to another part of the house, if that's appropriate. They should learn what types of conversations are appropriate for them to join in on and which are not.
105. As children learn about the value of time and the importance of schedules, they can also learn to show respect for others' time and schedules.
106. Help children to appreciate the gifts and treats that are given to them so that they don't take it for granted or have a picky "asking for more" spirit.
107. Some of you wonder if it's worth it to teach your children to be courteous and polite, because you feel it's a losing battle, and others in the Home are not doing it, so you can't expect them to either. Teach them anyway.
108. Children should be taught to respond appropriately when someone greets them or speaks to them.
109. Children should learn to help out with cleanup and doing what they can to make the Home nice for others at an early age. For example, helping to do at least their own dish, and sometimes offering to do others' also. Or picking up their toys when they're done playing, helping rearrange the couches after a movie that they've participated in‚ etc. A child who learns to see the need early on, and is taught responsibility‚ is a joy to have around.
110. (Question:) What are some good ways to teach children how to have better manners?
111. (Jesus:) Ask Me what is the most effective way to teach your children to have good manners. For example, if you're having a push to teach them good table manners, practicing by playing with a tea set might be effective.
112. Or, you could have a special dinner where the adults are the cooks and the waiters and waitresses for the children, and the children are expected to eat nicely, as if they were in a fancy restaurant. Set the table properly, with the cutlery in the right place, and serve the meal by courses. Prep the children ahead of time about what are good manners and what are bad manners in your city or country, and let them "try out" their skills.
113. You could even discuss the areas they did well in during a class time sometime after the meal, as well as the areas they did poorly in, and they can try to do better and work on their weak areas during future meals. Chart their progress.
114. Or, if you are trying to teach your children good manners when introducing themselves, or when witnessing or visiting with friends/sheep/contacts‚ have them act out little scenarios or skits.
115. Or, if you are trying to teach them to be more thankful and appreciative of others, make a game of it. See if each child can say something encouraging and appreciative to each person in the Home once during the day. Give each child a little chart and have them tick off each person's name once they've said something kind and thankful to them.
116. Speak respectfully to children, just as you would to an adult. Even when correcting them, never speak in an impatient‚ condescending, argumentative, or rude manner.
117. It's so easy to order and boss children around, but just think how you would feel if someone treated you like that.
118. Do unto others (children) as you would have them do unto you.
* Speak lovingly.
* Don't be bossy and domineering.
* Be soft and gentle, never harsh.
* Be kind and considerate.
* Consider their feelings.
* Don't interrupt them.
* Don't speak over them if they are speaking.
* All that you expect of them, expect the same things of yourself.
119. Don't ignore children when you see them—unless, of course, they are busy or occupied with something, and it would be better not to disturb them. Try to make a little conversation with them, when it's convenient for you and them. Or at least try to greet them and ask them how they are, whenever possible. You can even try greeting each child individually. This may not always be feasible in busy Homes with lots of children, but if and when possible, it can make each child feel personally noticed and loved.
120. Ask the children questions about themselves, what they're learning in school, what their latest memory verse is, what games they are playing‚ etc.
121. Don't dismiss children's feelings and slip into being gruff in your interactions. Respond with love.
122. Don't command children and expect them to just come to attention without so much as an explanation. Approach them respectfully and lovingly when you need to ask a favor—trying to be sensitive and coming across with a nice and sweet spirit.
123. Make eye contact with children, and go down to the children's level when talking to them; for example, when you're telling them something or passing on instruction.
124. Take a little bit more of your time to really tune in to the children.
125. Treat children's ideas as important. Don't quickly shoot them down. Even though they don't understand everything like you do, and even if their idea is unreasonable, you can still explain to them nicely the whys and wherefores.
126. Don't make fun of a child when they've made a mistake or done something more on the silly side. This can really hurt them. This doesn't mean that you shouldn't teach them to have a good laugh at themselves when things go wrong, but pray for discernment, because sometimes children just need someone to understand them.
127. Pray for extra spiritual eyes to see the good, and the good qualities, in your children.
128. When you talk about children in their presence‚ remember their feelings, and make sure that what you say is testifying to something good. Be considerate of children's feelings and keep "negative" conversations—as well as anything that doesn't concern the children, or that is for adults' ears only—private.
129. When children need correction‚ help them not to feel embarrassed by correcting them as privately as the situation warrants.
130. Find a way to connect with each child individually. Don't just lump them all together as "the children."
131. Show kids that they're important to you by how you treat them. Give children the same level of attention that you expect from them.
132. When a child comes to tell you something, stop and listen. Give children your full attention when listening to them and respond to what they are saying. Don't listen halfway‚ while thinking about something else, and continuing to do what you're doing.
133. Stop and acknowledge children. It's not only encouraging to the children, but to the teachers and parents. It makes them feel that their job of training the kids is important.
134. You don't have to be overly "touchy" with others‚ but give love in little ways. It means a lot when someone gently touches you, puts their arm around your shoulder, pats you on the back, or gives you a hug or a kiss. These small gestures show how much they care about you.
135. Without affection, unity crumbles, but affection strengthens your unity.
136. (Dad:) Affection is…
* The circuitry through which Jesus flows.
* A touch of hope.
* A healing balm.
* Restoring.
* Supernatural.
* The mechanism God uses to repair and restore His servants.
* A principle of life.
* A basic need.
* God's arms.
* The tenderness of God.
* An embrace of faith.
* A communing of spirits.
* A powerful affirmation of your faith in the power of love.
* A touch of Heaven's love and unity.
* A high form of praise and appreciation.
* Hope manifested.
* A powerful witness.
* Electric.
* The switch that turns on the lights inside.
* Like getting the good shivers.
137. Affection can heal someone who is hurting, perhaps even dying.
138. Affection has the power to change things. It has great spiritual power.
139. Instead of a formal hug‚ give a warm hug, a loving touch, a reassuring tap that says, "You can do it!"
140. If you are always the giver of affection and never the receiver, after a while you might get discouraged, thinking that people only give you hugs because you're asking them for them, and not because they really want to hug you. That's why it's important for all to be givers and receivers of affection. Even if you don't feel like you need to receive, you still need to put forth the effort to be a giver, because it encourages those around you and makes them feel loved.
141. Don't leave a meeting or devotions without hugging at least two people. No sneaking out the back to avoid the hugs.
142. Ask Me to help you not to pass by any Family member without giving them a word, a greeting, a pat on the arm, or some kind of acknowledgment of love.
143. (Dad: ) It's so sad when people leave the Family because they are lonely and feel that there is no one to love them. The Family is supposed to be a Family of love, a place where everyone feels loved and cared for. So please, let's go out of our way to make others feel that love, that unity with those they live with. Let's ensure that each person feels that they matter to those around them.
144. Consider that "Whatsoever you do unto the least of these, My brethren, you do unto Me." How you treat that person is how you treat Me. How you respond to that person is how you respond to Me. How you hold that person‚ go out of your way for him or her, and try to meet their requests, is how you respond to and handle Me.
145. Affection can be overbearing and selfish. Or...
* It can be administered in low-key‚ toned-down dosages that are acceptable to those who are not as comfortable receiving affection in a physical form, for whatever personal reasons.
* Transmitted by the eyes; a gentle, understanding look and smile; a little squeeze of the hand; a reassuring nod.
* Transmitted by stopping to listen.
* Transmitted by looking to Me for the power to understand and be considerate.
146. (Dad:) If giving affection, though tough for some of you, would just really kick your pride and help you to make giant leaps in a relatively simple way, wouldn't you jump to it? Well, the fact is that it does all of this and more. You can get fuller possession, a greater bang for your buck in fighting pride, and certainly greater unity by practicing affection the way the Lord wants it practiced.
147. (Dad:) Was the power of God's love diminished because some people around Jesus didn't appreciate His love? No, it certainly wasn't. So if others don't seem to appreciate the love and affection you give them—perhaps because they're shy, or they're negative about themselves, or they feel uncomfortable with their body‚ or they didn't grow up with a lot of affection, or it's part of their personality to be a bit more reserved, or for whatever reason—will you get less credit for giving that love? Definitely not! Don't expect love to always be reciprocated; just keep giving it! They spit on, beat‚ and killed Jesus for giving love. That's not going to happen to you when you try to show love, but even if it did, it would show that you're like Him.
148. Giving love and encouragement and affection is contagious. If you give it to someone and they feel loved‚ then it's easier for them to give it to someone else. And so the cycle goes around until everyone is loving and giving, and there is enough for all.
149. (Dad:) Sometimes it's difficult to give someone a hug for physical reasons—for example, if they have bad breath or body odor; they're unshaven; they have oily, smelly hair; their shoes or clothes smell bad; they have particularly filmy teeth that a little more brushing would take care of; their skin is always sweaty, which more regular bathing would freshen up; or they hug too hard and it hurts. Pray and ask the Lord, and counsel with your Home shepherds as to how to lovingly explain these things to them, so that those things don't continue to be obstacles to loving affection.
To be continued
Copyright © 2006 by The Family International
Art by Tamar