—Our Former Editor.DO 954-327 June 1980
—Six months before he left us & her & stole all her children!
Dearest Dad & Maria,
GOD BLESS YOU! I LOVE YOU BOTH SO MUCH! I'm so happy to be working for my precious King & Queen in this beautiful little Heavenly Home! Someone gave me the message yesterday about writing a report on the situation with Jus, so Lord help me to present a clear fair true picture of things the way I see them.
I WAS HAPPY TO HEAR FROM PETER YESTERDAY & get filled in on most of what transpired before & the outcome, etc. He told me the verses you received & the main problems‚ so I guess I'll base this report on those points 'cause it's really hard to know where to start after so many years & so many experiences! Maybe I can give a general little history starting with London & any significant points at each place.
LONDON: WELL, AS YOU KNOW THIS IS WHERE WE WERE BETROTHED on the night of June 21, 1973, the night that Ho brought the "Mountin' Maid" Love Tape to the Stirling Buildings meeting. I don't know if you know this part, that I really didn't want to get betrothed at all! But the pressure was on & everyone in the room the RFs, kept shining their flashlights on us‚ seated us together & were reading verses on marriage & asking if anyone in the room wanted to get betrothed!
I NATURALLY FIGURED YOU HAD ASSIGNED THEM TO THIS & I wanted to please my king so I finally relented & said yes! Ha! But really I was saving myself for you, or at least that's what I had been thinking up to that point. So anyway, we got betrothed & the first three weeks were terrible, I couldn't stand Jus at all. And in the process of those three weeks I made him to not like me either by my mean behaviour. Then all of a sudden I fell in love with him, just like that, real quick!—But that didn't mean I fell out of love with you at all‚ Dad!
DRINKING WASN'T MUCH OF A PROBLEM WITH JUS IN THOSE DAYS, although we did have a little rationed bottle of wine or sherry. I began to see his love for System music as he was the DJ at the Poorboy Club & he really got into it‚ buying all the latest records to play, dragging me around to record stores with him, etc.
THEN YOU INVITED US TO COME TO TENERIFE FOR THE FIRST TIME, & there we had the terrible scene with Eman & Genesis. This is where you received "Sequel to Musical Key" for Jus. At first he seemed to take it to heart & erased all the System tapes, & I didn't know at that time that there were certain tapes that he felt shouldn't have been erased by Stephen, etc.—I found that out later & still to this day he talks about the unfairness of Stephen in that matter.
I CAN'T REMEMBER THERE BEING ANY DRINKING PROBLEM IN THAT FIRST TENERIFE VISIT AT ALL, I can't remember hardly drinking there at all, but we must have had wine at meals. Well, our main sins there have already been outlined, Jus' being that he failed to be a good shepherd & care for his flock, people being the most important, & this was my problem too, as well as what the Lord said about losing my first love & not putting you first in my life. Lord help us!
I JUST FINISHED READING THROUGH & INDEXING ALL THOSE RDS on what happened there, & boy, there are some tremendous lessons which would be such a blessing to the kids—hope I can edit & get'm out! (D: Amen!) I think Jus really took what happened there to heart & really wanted to change & be a better spiritual leader & shepherd. We were still getting along pretty good then‚ not too many fights, etc., although at one point during all that I lost my "in love" feeling for him.
NEXT WE WENT TO POGGIOSECCO, ITALY. This I believe is the place where Jus started overdoing it in his drinking with all that Poggio wine, although he never got real drunk there like I've seen him since. Apparently he has to drink a whole whole lot for it to have any effect on him. So we spent 3 months there, I think.
WE SAW MOM & STEVE IN THE PROCESS‚ & Jus just couldn't stand them by that time & would always murmur & complain about them there, & they didn't like him either. Well, I think you've heard all about that before.
I THINK THE VERSE YOU RECEIVED ABOUT A "ROOT OF BITTERNESS" started during our first Tenerife visit—I forgot to mention above—when we lived near you but never saw you. This really really freaked Jus out‚ & the other verse you received about "covetousness" was manifested there in his jealousy over those who did see you, & he didn't. I wouldn't be surprised if this is where that whole "root" started & just kept growing from that point.
HE WOULD ALSO HAVE A ROOT OF BITTERNESS REGARDING THE FACT THAT HE WAS A CANCER & knowing your thoughts on Jethro & saying the reason you didn't like him (Jus) so much was because of his sign. This is something he still says.
THEN WE MOVED TO Z WITH BECKY & ARTHUR. Oh boy‚ things started to get much worse here in our relationship! Jus was drinking a lot here too, but from what I've heard, it was nothing compared to after I left for Portugal. I guess that's one reason I never reported a serious drinking problem in him, because he never really got "drunk" & although he drank, it didn't seem to have much affect on him at all before this point.
WE WERE AT Z TWICE, SO THIS WAS THE TIME BEFORE OUR 2nd VISIT TO TENERIFE. We weren't getting along very well at all, had lots of arguments & blowups. In fact, the night before our boat left for Tenerife we had one of the worst arguments of all! I felt like, "How can we go & live near Dad in a state like this!"
AND THAT FEELING WAS RIGHT, because as you know, when we got there the whole Genesis scene blew up again in our faces when you received the verses in Samuel about us, & how we hadn't really finished things off the way we should have. You received the verses about Saul's disobedience in 1Samuel 15, & the heaviest part on us being "The Lord hath rent the kingdom of Israel from thee this day & given it to a neighbour better than thou."
FROM THAT DAY ON I GUESS BOTH OF US WERE PRETTY FREAKED OUT! I knew it was going to come true & that we had lost our kingdom, knowing also that God's judgments grind exceeding slow, and it was just a matter of time that the prophecy would be fulfilled, as it was 4 years later.
WELL, THERE IN TENERIFE FOR THE 2ND VISIT I was transcribing tapes & typing the Letters, but Jus was mostly doing childcare & housework, & only a little bit of editing. He was quite bitter about this too‚ wondering why he had to just do that when he could do so much more. But he also talks about this time in a good way too, saying that he enjoyed taking care of & teaching little Michael, our first child.
BUT HIS "ROOT OF BITTERNESS" WAS GROWING, & his "covetousness" over others' positions, how others could see you & he not. I have to admit, of course‚ I wanted to see you too, but I do believe I understood the situation & didn't feel bitter about it at all. I knew I loved you & you loved me & this was just the way things had to be at that time.
AS FAR AS DRINKING GOES THERE, I can't remember any big problem & really not much of a problem with System music. We were getting along fairly well at that time. It's so hard to remember all the details, but I remember one time really crying on Arthur's shoulder at the Cliff-house about how mean Jus was to me & I remember at one time wishing I could leave him & live somewhere else.
THEN WE WENT BACK TO Z AGAIN WITH BECK & ART. Here's where we really started having some big fights & arguments. I don't even remember what they were over, but I remember they were bad & I was miserable! I was almost to the point that it was more than I was able to bear, so of course the Lord is faithful & delivered me out of it! TYJ!
YOU ASKED FOR ME & EMAN TO COME HELP YOU IN PORTUGAL, & boy‚ was I ever glad to get away from Jus! What a relief!—About the same as the relief I experienced when you asked him to help in another unit a few months ago! So Eman & I split for Portugal, & then I believe is when Jus' heaviest drinking occurred. He was really in the depths of despair.
THIS WAS DEFINITELY ONE OF HIS LOWEST POINTS‚ for sure, & he turned to the bottle for consolation. And he had a hard time with Arthur there, for which he's never forgiven him & still has a root of bitterness in his heart over Arthur & what happened there at Z.
THEN IN PORTUGAL YOU SHOWED ME ART'S REPORT & asked me why I had never reported Jus' drinking problem & I think I must have said it just had never been that bad before. I remember at Z, Monty introduced lots of System music tapes (another Cancer!) & got us & a lot of people there into listening to Stevie Wonder & others especially Jus, of course, as he had such a weakness along that line. Then Monty left for Madeira but he left behind his bad seeds in more ways than one. LHH!
SO I BELIEVE JUS HAD A REAL BREAKING THERE IN Z & GOT A REAL VICTORY! Right before he left, he had finally turned to the Lord & His Word for help, & He brought him through & that was really really good! Then Jus went to Madrid with Suzanne & the kids to the little house there, which was kind of a hard time for him as he really wanted to join me. He also had a hard time with Jay there‚ I believe etc.‚ but I don't know how much he drank there or anything, probably a lot.
SO THEN HE CAME TO PORTUGAL & THINGS WERE GOING GOOD IN HIS LIFE. He wasn't drinking anything because he was on those gonorrhea pills‚ & it really made a big difference! You know he has a disease called hypoglycemia, & his father has it too, & people who have this are not supposed to drink any alcoholic beverages or coffee!!—Two of Jus' excesses!
SO WHEN HE DIDN'T DRINK ANYTHING‚ OF COURSE HE FELT BETTER & was in better spirits & did very well. So for me it was a relief to see him in Portugal because I was having such a terrible time with Eman & his fits of jealousy & everything else!
THEN WE MOVED TO THE MADRID APARTMENT after a short time in the little house. It's hard to remember any outstanding things from that time. Jus was doing pretty good & having real good phone-fellowship with Sara which inspired him so much. I think he was getting a lot of work done too, & it was a high point. This was the time of the RNR.
HE CONTINUED TO DRINK A LOT THERE, & he & Gene would sit up real late at night drinking & talking & then I'd wish he'd come to bed. He'd get mad at me about bugging him, etc., & we'd have spats about that. He accused me of being jealous over his time with others, whether male or female.
OH, I FORGOT TO TELL YOU THAT TO THIS DAY HE BLAMES THE WHOLE EMAN & GENESIS THING on the fact that I was jealous in London & didn't let him spend the needed time with his flock there. This is really true about jealousy & I already wrote you about it & confessed my weakness in this area. I've seen what a heinous sin it is, one of the worst for sure!
BUT IN THIS CASE IN MADRID, I WASN'T JEALOUS OVER HIS TIME WITH GENE, I just thought it was ridiculous to stay up so late nearly every night drinking & talking & not coming to bed! I remember we did listen to some System tapes there, but not that much really.
THEN YOU ASKED FOR ME TO COME TO SWITZERLAND! Oh boy, I was so happy! This time in my absence Jus did really good & was in the Word more & didn't freak out at all. I was gone a month and a half & came back. I had baby David & we heard we were to move back to Tenerife again—our units & Sam's unit.
WELL, TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, JUS WASN'T VERY HAPPY ABOUT THAT NEWS AT ALL! He's always said that he goes through his biggest trials when living in Tenerife, & he knew that the same thing was probably going to happen again—which it did!—Although it's not the place that causes them, it's him!
I KIND OF LIKED THE IDEA OF GOING BACK THERE, it's so beautiful & I really enjoy living there & considered it a blessing. The only thing I didn't like was the distance away from you. Anyway, we arrived in Tenerife & moved into one of the Apartments. Jus & I lived in the little apartment upstairs & the rest of our team lived in the bigger apartment downstairs. Then there was Sam & Abigail's team at Casa Blanca. (Just to set the scene for you!)
WELL, THIS IS WHEN THE NRS SERIES EXPLODED & where we finally did lose our kingdom, that is of being your personal Letter staff. We knew it was coming, of course, the Lord had told us, but it still was really hard on us & I must say we went through some trials during that time‚ I sure did! I felt really really terrible!
WE BEGAN HAVING LOTS OF FIGHTS & ARGUMENTS THERE AGAIN (sounds like that's all we do!) & once again it got to that unbearable point where we just couldn't get along! Then the Lord to the rescue again & you asked Jus to come & visit another unit for awhile. So he left & you know what happened with him.
BUT WHILE HE WAS GONE I GOT INTO THAT BIG RELATIONSHIP WITH SOJOURN & we really fell in love with each other. Sad to say we carried it to an extreme we shouldn't have & he was spending every other night with me & his poor wife didn't like that. Well, she said she didn't mind when I kept asking her, but she really did. They weren't getting along at all either, but my relationship with him sure didn't help matters improve any.
WELL, I'D BETTER NOT GET INTO THAT‚ as I already wrote you a big report & apology on that last year. But I'm bringing it up because it has a lot to do with what happened when Jus returned from his trip. To put it mildly, he freaked out! He drank too much & he ranted & raved & it was just terrible!
HE WAS SO FREAKED OUT ABOUT MY RELATIONSHIP WITH SOJOURN & telling me I was bewitched & everything else, & a lot of what he said was true. But he let this thing so get to him that he wasn't even doing any work so to speak of at all, & keeping me up late at night yelling & screaming at me about it after he'd drunk too much, & really almost bringing God's work, our work, to a halt! It was just unbelievable!
IT'S ONE OF THE WORST EXPERIENCES I'VE EVER HAD IN MY LIFE! I guess it was more than he could bear to see how much I had fallen in love with someone else, I don't know! One night in particular was like a visit to Hell! He kept me up all night with the most atrocious verbal harangue you have ever heard in your life & wouldn't let me leave the room or go to sleep & was just purposely putting me through mental torture such as I have never experienced in my life & never want to again! Ugh!
I SAW HIS HATEFULNESS COME OUT & it was just really really terrible! I thought, "How could a Child of God act like this, with such hate!" It was really bad, that whole scene. Also, I think he came back on a real bad note & had a real root of bitterness against Sara in particular & talked badly about her. I can't even remember why or what, but just that. He also told me many a time that he thought you liked him a bit more now & you had found out he wasn't as bad as you thought. He expressed love for you both & didn't speak against anything but Sara.
THEN WE DISBANDED THE ARTIST HOME & we moved to Casa Blanca. Jack arrived & Gene left all at the same time. Then Jus & Jack went to visit again. He was really really happy about it, of course, that he was asked to help again. Then he spent time there & came back to Tenerife to help us move.
HE LEFT ON A MUCH BETTER NOTE THIS TIME & had reconciled things with Sara. He spoke a lot of the time he spent with her talking & told me she had really changed for the better & was so different, that now she really understood him‚ etc.
HE TOLD ME A LITTLE ABOUT DAVE & LANI & that she had given him a whole bunch of music tapes that they had forsaken. I thought it a bit strange that if they were supposed to get rid of them‚ why would Jus want them?? But he kept raving about these music tapes telling me I'd really like them etc. So we left Tenerife & moved to Madrid & we were real happy about that & to be with the other WS units there.
SO IN MADRID ... "CHRISTMAS MASSACRE" CAME OUT THEN & at first Jus really really tried to obey it. He would drink water with his meals so that he could have his customary wine after the meals, as he was used to drinking a lot. I forgot to mention to you that somewhere along the line, I think in Tenerife last time we were there, one night Jus was really drunk & admitted to me that he was an alcoholic, which he'd never said before.
AT FIRST HE STUCK TO THE TWO-GLASS LIMIT, but his glasses were not glasses, they were coffee mugs. That's how a lot of people get around the two-glass rule, they use big glasses! Then somehow the effect of the Letter started to wear off or something & he started exceeding the limit.
THEN WHEN THE SHEEP OF HIS FLOCK, INCLUDING ME, SAW THAT HE DID‚ we started not sticking to it so strictly either, especially when we had a disco & guests from the other units for dinner etc. But usually everyone else pretty much stuck to it. But Jus started drinking a lot, a real lot.
AND THIS IS WHEN WE STARTED HAVING OUR BIG FIGHTS about my jealousy over his relationship with Faithful, & his drinking. Those were the two things we fought about the most. Every time I would very nicely‚ meekly, as sweet as I possibly could suggest that maybe he stop drinking, boy, I'd had it! He would yell at me so loud & I was so embarrassed as it was a very small apartment & I'm sure everyone could hear every word!
HE WOULD VERBALLY LAY ME OUT & START BERATING & LISTING MY FAULTS & on & on it went! Any mention about his drinking was enough to start no minor explosion‚ so maybe you can understand why I was a bit hesitant to try to stop him after a while‚ it just wasn't worth the torture I got in return! This has always been the case. (The Devil sure hated your ministry!—D.)
ANY TIME I SUGGEST HE STOP IT OR CUT IT HE GETS SO MEAN & NASTY & sometimes would grab my arm in his crab pincers or grab my face real hard in his hand to where it really really hurt & just make me look him in the face while he'd spit his venom at me. One time he told me all I draw out of him is venom, & I guess it's true. But one reason for it is that I'm always disagreeing with him & he just doesn't like it. (The Devil hated you!—D.)
WE'RE REALLY NOT A VERY GOOD MATCH. He needs someone like Faithful who is nice & quiet & won't argue or stand up to him that much & whom he can really dominate. (And she really likes him a lot!) But when he & I get together, I mean sparks just fly!! I want to tell you that I just don't really care to be mated with him any longer, & I just don't know what will happen if you send me back there! Anyway, on with the rest of the story first.
SO WE'D HAVE BIG FIGHTS ABOUT HIS DRINKING, & then he started his nightly visits to Faithful, just to kiss her goodnight, & Suzanne & Naomi too, but he'd spend about 30 seconds kissing Naomi & Suzanne goodnight, but then his time with Faithful was really long.
MY JEALOUSY STARTED GETTING THE BETTER OF ME—I don't know why, 'cause I'm sure not in love with him—but it did, Lord forgive me. He'd come back in our room & if I said the wrong thing, boom! Explosion! Ranting & raving & drinking on into the night!—Even if I just asked him what he & Faithful talked about! Esteban told me he used to feel so sorry for me when he heard Jus & I arguing all night, I'm sure they all heard. Most of his rantings consisted of him going over & over all my faults.
SO THIS FAITHFUL SCENE WAS GETTING TO BE KIND OF A DRAG & I was really trying & praying not to be jealous. I even asked Jus to please lay hands on me & seriously pray with me & rebuke this thing—I sure didn't want to have any demons of Jealousy hanging around me! Yech! So I prayed & prayed & seemed to be getting a victory, although sometimes not.
I FOUND WHEN I'D GO IN & MAKE LOVE TO ESTEBAN I DIDN'T CARE THAT JUS WAS WITH FAITHFUL AT ALL, & of course that's what you've always said. It's just lying in bed there alone listening to them on the other side of the wall that really got to me! Once I said, "Maybe you ought to just be mated to Faithful & we can exchange rooms!"—because I could clearly see that he was more in love with her than with me, & if we could just declare it so & switch, maybe I wouldn't go through it so much!
IN OUR BIG ARGUMENTS HE THOUGHT I WAS SO BAD & OUT OF IT, he used to say, "if we ever split up, you can't have any of the children at all—I'm taking them all! I won't let you have them or be near them!" And this would really freak me out! How could he say such a thing & what right did he have to say that or do that! But he knew that really bugged me & said it lots of times. (Well‚ you asked for a gory report! Sorry!)
HE DOESN'T AGREE WITH THE WAY I RELATE TO THE CHILDREN & THE LENIENCY I HAVE WITH THEM. I believe it would be far better to have them obey through love instead of fear. I'm a terrible disciplinarian, I know, & can't hardly even spank them! I believe in equal rights for the children & am always sticking up for them, much to everyone else's disagreement—like Naomi & Jus in particular who are strict disciplinarians. Anyway, that's a whole different subject, but related, I guess!
I WANTED TO TELL YOU THAT I HAVE NEVER HAD SUCH A GREAT PEACE ABOUT BEING SEPARATED FROM THE CHILDREN AS I DO NOW. I miss them, but it's amazing how little, & I'm sure it's the Lord! The other times I visited you, in Portugal & then again in Switzerland, I really really missed them so much. But this time, hardly a twinge except sometimes for my youngest, David, who I was very very close to.
I GUESS I'M JUST SO HAPPY TO BE HERE & I KNOW THE LORD WILL TAKE CARE OF THEM. Actually, I didn't spend all that much time with them even when I was there, I was always busily working. The only one I was super super attached to was David, the baby I was pregnant with when I saw you last in Switzerland. But I don't even feel too much sadness being away from him—besides‚ I'm closer to my most precious David of all now! ILY!
SO ON WITH THE STORY, ALMOST TO THE END! We were in Madrid having these terrible arguments & he was drinking too much & then you called & asked Jus to go on another trip. He was really surprised, I think, & told me before he left that if he makes it in the spiritually wrecked state he was in, it will be a miracle!—And as you can see, he didn't do so hot. So when I started hearing from you about that, I wasn't surprised.
AS FOR ME, WHEN I HEARD HE WAS GOING I WAS SO SO SO SO HAPPY!—So thankful I could have a little rest from his constant harangues & our terrible fights. He would take consolement from the bottle & I would hide under my headphones with you, Dad, to escape from my troubles, transcribing all your wonderful Words!
SO HE LEFT & I WAS GLAD & I STARTED DOING EDITING—something he never would hardly let me touch before, although I always wanted to. Even when he edited something & I typed it, I always wanted to change things here & there, but he didn't like that at all & we'd even get in fights about that when I'd try to change something. I'd try to slip a few things through, & sometimes I did.
IT'S JUST THAT AFTER ALL THE FINAL TYPING I'VE DONE OVER THE YEARS & READING YOUR EDITING, I just knew better than he did almost how you edited & would have done it, that's all, really. So I'd see these things & want to change them. (Amen!—D.)
THEN ONE DAY BEFORE HE LEFT I EDITED ONE RD THAT I HAD PUT ASIDE for myself to do, "Cleanliness Is Godliness," & I had so much fun working on it & felt so inspired about it! But I don't think Jus liked it, & he took it & started going over it & changing things on my final copy. He made lots of good suggestions though & I learned a lot!
SO ANYWAY HE LEFT & I STARTED EDITING & MINING THE GOLDEN WORDS & REALLY PRODUCING, & me & Hart were just flipped out & having such a good time working on the Letters together! I also was able to get to know Mordy really well‚ & we made love a lot of times & got real close & I like him a lot too! So Jus left & I started editing & making love to Esteban, Mordy & Hart & having a wonderful time!—Ha! (Hallelujah! You deserved it!—D.)
JUS WARNED ME BEFORE HE LEFT NOT TO MAKE LOVE TO MORDY MUCH. Well, at first he said not at all‚ but then he said a little, because he knew I really liked Mordy & Mordy liked me. So I was kind of worried about what was going to happen when he came back & as usual, cross-examined me about who I'd fucked while he was gone & giving me a hard time about it. So he's really not much better than me when it comes to being jealous!
SO I KIND OF BURNED FREE AFTER HE LEFT & JUST KIND OF FLOWED ALONG with how the Lord was leading with these different people. I really liked Hart & we had some beautiful times together, probably this would have been almost impossible if Jus had been there.
OH, THAT REMINDS ME, DAD, I TOLD HART HOW WHENEVER I SPEAK IN TONGUES ALMOST ALWAYS IT ENDS UP WITH THE WORDS "DAVIDA," and he's got this thing (he's really into spirit helpers) about who my spirit helper could be! He got this funny word Akabosta. He looked it up in "How Arabs Became Gypsies" & here's the quote: 301:18:
"WE SLEEP TOGETHER & KEEP WARM. My wives on both sides keep me warm. Where's my other wife? (Maria: What's her name?) Akabosta. Have to kill to live sometimes. Nobody takes Gypsy chief's wife! (She have to take care of poor old Gypsy lady who is sick.) Ah‚ she always good & sweet girl! She love old Gypsy King, too!"—That's what he got! Interesting, huh?
I DON'T KNOW IF MY SPIRIT HELPER IS ONE OF ABRAHIM'S WIVES OR NOT, but I thought I'd tell you about it sometime, so I stuck it in here!—Not exactly the subject of my report, I guess‚ & now I forgot what I was telling you about!!—Picking daisies like my father David! Ha! I really like your daisies & like to string them together into daisy chains (the Jewel Letters!) ILY! (Amen! GBY!—D.)
SO THAT'S ABOUT UP TO DATE‚ & THERE ARE A FEW SPECIFIC THINGS I THINK I OUGHT TO MENTION TO MAKE THE PICTURE COMPLETE. One of them was that Jus seemed to lack a real hunger for the Word. It would really bother me that he would far prefer to read something like Reader's Digest & Time Magazine or anything he could get his hands on rather than the Letters!
SOMETIMES, I HAVE TO GIVE HIM CREDIT, HE DID GET A REAL HUNGER FOR THE BIBLE & would really dig into it‚ but these times didn't last very long. And whenever I would suggest that maybe he read a Letter instead of so much other System junk, he had the same reaction to me as when I asked him to stop drinking so much, he'd explode at me! So I was kind of hesitant to mention it most of the time & just kept it to myself to avoid an argument. (Wish you had reported it then.—D.)
THE OTHER POINT WAS HIS WORK ON THE WORDS.—And these are all points that when I mentioned them to him, he'd get so mad, it just wasn't worth it after a while! It was like he didn't even value his time to work on his editing as much as other things. It seemed as though he would far prefer to do handyman stuff or almost anything else than getting down to his Word work. (That's for sure!—D.)
THIS REALLY REALLY BOTHERED ME 'cause I'm just the opposite, probably too much! But if I ever mentioned it, he had a long list of reasons why he had to do this, that & the other. He told me I wasn't helping him enough, all I wanted to do was "type like a machine" & so the whole load was on his shoulders & somebody had to do it all, etc. But I know he could have used his time more wisely. (Amen!—D.)
HE WASTED A LOT OF TIME AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED‚ & now the Lord has taken away the blessing of working on the Words because he sure didn't appreciate it when he had it. I agree totally with what the Lord showed you‚ & I'm sure it is taking something as strong as that to wake him up to where he's at.
I COULD NEVER UNDERSTAND HOW HE COULD POSSIBLY SIT THERE EDITING A LETTER WITH THAT CRUMMY SYSTEM MUSIC PLAYING! It was a distraction to me even under the headphones, hearing it in the background. But if I dared to say a word about it or asked him to turn it off, I really caught it! I also always thought it was so funny how long it took him to edit an RD—days! But since I'd never done it, I thought that must be how long it takes.
I HAVE SINCE TO FIND OUT THAT I CAN KNOCK'M OFF A LOT QUICKER THAN THAT & it's a joy & fun & I love it. Maybe Jus did too, I don't know, he never raved about it like I do! But maybe because it's so new & exciting to me! Well, I rave about transcribing & final typing & everything! I really love my work! (Amen!)
I HATE TO BE SAYING ALL THESE NEGATIVE THINGS ABOUT JUS, but I want to tell you the truth & nothing but the truth! I'm no saint, that's for sure, & I know it & you know it‚ so sometimes it's difficult to point the finger at others.
I GUESS THE LAST POINT I'D LIKE TO MENTION IS HIS RELATIONSHIP TO ME. I think maybe I covered it in my report I wrote you last. He says he loves me so much & that I could never love him as much as he loves me—& that's true. But it's hard for me to believe he loves me as much as he says he does, & as I said‚ I was shocked when he started writing me all those mushy letters recently. I sure didn't feel that way & I couldn't see how he could either, we'd left on such a terrible note!
I ALWAYS TELL HIM I LOVE YOU, DAD, & THE LORD THE MOST IN THE WORLD—but he would rarely say that. So when I got a letter from him recently where he said besides you & the Lord he loved me next, I was really glad to hear that & felt that was a step in the right direction.
I DID LOVE HIM VERY MUCH AT ONE TIME, but over the years my love for him has been waning & waning to where truthfully I don't mind if I never see him again‚ & if I have to go back there I really don't want to live with him unless you think it's best.
IN FACT, THE WAY I FEEL NOW‚ JUST THE THOUGHT OF GOING BACK THERE IS ALMOST UNBEARABLE FOR ME! I guess you didn't bring me to this Home to stay forever, but if I did I would be the happiest girl in the World! Anyway, I'd better close now & not start another page! ILY both so much & am really really happy you sent for me & all this has come out in the open!—Love & kisses‚—Your Sal.
P.S. WELL, THERE'S JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE I WANTED TO ADD. I hate to end on such a negative note about Jus & not saying anything good about him. As you say in "The Meekness Dream," people only remember you for the bad things you've done & all your violent explosions‚ & I guess that's mostly how I remember Jus.
I JUST WANTED TO SAY THAT I'M REALLY PRAYING THAT HE MAKES IT & comes out a better vessel, fit for the Master's use. It was encouraging to hear that Peter thinks he'll make it, & I'm keeping him in my prayers that he will. He really is a good man, as you said, Dad, & could be used so mightily if he'll just change & become a new creature & get rid of his perverted appetites for the things of this World. I really pray he can "set his affection on things above" & not on things of this Earth. (Sad to say‚ he didn't!—D.)
I'M REALLY SORRY FOR THE WAY I LET HIM MISLEAD ME INTO THESE THINGS TOO SOMEWHAT‚ but you know after he left this last time, the only time we ever played those tapes was for our little dinner/dance time. I just had no burden to listen to them at all! Some of the others in our house still did though & I need to write them about it, unless maybe Jus will be taking care of that! (Ha! He sure did!—He left!—D.)
THIS WHOLE THING IS SUCH A STRIKING EXAMPLE OF HOW YOU ARE WHAT YOU TAKE IN & the bad results of taking in the wrong things for so long! Lord help us! Thank God I've spent so much time just under the headphones with you, Dad, or God knows it could have happened to me too, although I don't crave those things like he does. I just can't seem to get into reading anything but your Letters & Bible, I even have a hard time reading the WNs & am way behind in them, Lord help me!
YOUR LETTERS ARE WHAT REALLY TURN ME ON & I HUNGER AFTER THEM SO MUCH! Kind of like the little poem you wrote me one time in the front of my Spelling & Word Division book how I "feed on your whey & curds & love all your absurds"! Well, they're not absurd to me! I do love them & you! Hallelujah! (Amen! I know it! GBY!—D.)
SO THANK YOU AGAIN FOR BRINGING ME HERE, I appreciate it so much & I pray that Jus will come through this with flying colours. He really can be so Spirit-led, & hears from the Lord so much about things & could be such a blessing! He's so talented in so many areas, as I'm sure you know. So, praise the Lord. (?)
I REALLY REALLY REALLY LOVE YOU, DAD & MARIA! Sorry to have made this so terribly long & taken up so much of your precious time, but I guess it took 7 pages to cover the last 7 years! Hope I haven't forgotten anything important & if I remember anything I'll let you know, OK? Love & kisses,—Sal. xxx!!! P.P.S. Sorry you're sick—praying for you!—Hope you like "More Sex Jewels"—enclosed! Sorry I didn't report all this to you sooner, a crime in itself. I love you.—Sally
(DAD:) 1. AMEN! WE SOMETIMES SUFFER MORE THAN WE NEED TO BY FAILING TO REPORT PROBLEMS SOONER. I'd've brought you home long ago & probably let Jus go sooner if I'd known how he was failing & trying to make you fail too!
2. THE DEVIL SURE HATED YOUR WORK & was trying to hinder it or even get rid of you! GHU! Now you know how important it is, or the Devil wouldn't have fought you so!
3. THANK GOD YOU SURVIVED & STAYED TRUE & FAITHFUL!—& thank God He led us to rescue you before it was too late!—& thank God Jus is gone & out of your way! We're just so sorry about the kids!—But the Lord can work that out too.—Maybe that's why He's giving you a new one Jus can't steal! Hallelujah!
4. WE LOVE YOU & ARE PRAYING DAILY FOR YOUR COMPLETE VICTORY in Him & His service. Thank God the Devil can no longer use Jus to hinder it & plague you! PTL! Keep on keeping on!
5. YOU'RE DOING A GREAT WORK!—DON'T COME DOWN!—& we're so glad God's given you someone to help take Jus' place that I'm sure will be better to you!—He'd better be!—Ha! We love you all!
6. GOD BLESS & KEEP YOU & CONTINUE TO MAKE YOU A GREAT BLESSING, as you always have been to all of us! Without you we could never have accomplished so much! PTL! GBY! ILY! You're one of my special favourites, & always have been & always will be!—ILY dearly!
—Your Husband in Jesus!—Love‚—D.