Greece‚ 25/11/80DO 952-7
Dearest Dad, Maria & Peter,
GIJN! THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR GIVING ME A CHANCE TO GET STRAIGHTENED OUT SPIRITUALLY through your corrections passed on to me through Faith & Juan. The Letters, comments & counsel they've passed onto me from you have been just what I need so desperately.
JUAN RETURNED YESTERDAY WITH MORE COMMENTS, COUNSEL & DIRECTION FROM YOU FOR ME. He and Faithy shared these with me today & also gave me to read the RD "Warning to Ho & Esther." Thank you for entrusting me with this correction & direction directly from you. I needed & appreciate these words of rebuke, correction & hope. It is a warning to me of how far off the track I've gotten & what I must do to get back on. Please know that to get back on the track of God's fulltime service to Him & you is what I want more than anything.
TO RETURN TO THE PLACE OF OBEDIENCE & GOD'S PERFECT WILL IS MORE IMPORTANT TO ME THAN ANYTHING ELSE. After having made so many mistakes & disobediences in choosing the wrong way instead of the right way & in proposing my plans & not God's plan, I don't want to do this anymore. Whatever it takes, I want to be corrected & get on the right track.
YOUR EXPLANATION OF WHAT'S WRONG WITH ESTHER, what it's stemmed from‚ how far back it goes‚ what it's led to & what effect it's had are exactly right 100%. The dream the Lord gave you about her is perfectly fitting to her manifest spirit & attitude & actions towards me on numerous occasions in past months. Almost the exact same experience happened to me when trying to love her before she went to the Philippines & she used almost the same words to me that you used to describe her sneer.
SHE HAS LOOKED ON ME WITH THIS SCORN & CONTEMPT FOR A LONG TIME & I found out most definitely that she also applied this feeling towards you‚ Mother & Faithy—this lack of respect & bitterness & contempt. She expressed this to me that this had been in her for a long time. She told me this just after her return from the Philippines when I was dealing with her & trying to get at the root of her bitterness. I saw what you're speaking of then & so did she‚ but whether or not she will forsake it & repent is still to be seen.
ALSO YOUR DESCRIPTION OF THE THINGS BEHIND THE ATTEMPT TO ADOPT THE CHINESE BOY ARE EXACTLY RIGHT & now I see it more clearly than before. I felt the same way about it at first but gave in to the idea as she pushed it stronger than anything. It seemed about the only thing she took an interest in to give her the will to live & get well physically & mentally. She'd forsaken interest in everything else almost completely, except him. This is still a major problem for her to forsake. It is certainly best & necessary that Esther give him up for her to concentrate on our own family. It will also be a test of her repentance & obedience. Whether she will give in & totally surrender to God & repent & change is very much an open question.
RECENT CHANGES IN HER ARE ENCOURAGING SIGNS BUT ARE CERTAINLY NO GUARANTEE THAT SHE CAN COMPLETELY FORSAKE HER PAST ATTITUDES & BITTERNESSES & have true from-the-heart loyalty to you, God's prophet, the Worldwide Family, our family & me. God will have to do it, & He only can if she yields to Him instead of the Devil whom she has yielded to—just exactly as you said in the transcript.
AS YOU SAID, "ESTHER IS A MENTAL CASE & VIRTUALLY ALWAYS HAS BEEN, sad to say, weak-minded, feebleminded, etc. ..." & this we counselled about long long ago. It all depends on which spirit she yields to. I hope she'll yield to God's Spirit.
BUT AS FOR ME & MY HOUSE, WE WILL SERVE THE LORD—WITH OR WITHOUT HER. We have virtually gotten along without her for more than the past year while she was in the hospital, living with her fish recuperating, & gone to the Philippines, etc. So by God's grace I'm certainly ready to send her back to the States to her parents if she doesn't change & obey what you've said.
THROUGH THE HURTS & ABSENCE OF HER IN THE PAST TWO YEARS I BELIEVE I'VE BECOME HARDENED ENOUGH as you said in "Greater Victories," paragraphs 37‚ 38‚ 39 & 42. "Endure hardness as a good soldier so you can take it, give up & forsake it." So either way, God's will be done.
CERTAINLY RUTHIE HAS BEEN A REAL HELP THROUGH ALL THIS & WE CERTAINLY PLAN TO STICK TOGETHER. Though when I'm out of it & off the track it affects her too, she has endeavoured to encourage me in the right direction, she's always encouraged & helped me to communicate with you, & she's loyal to you & loves you very much. She's certainly sold on you & the Message. PG! Together we certainly want to keep our family in your service & faithful to you no matter what the cost. TYJ. By God's grace.
SO FAR AS THE FUTURE IS CONCERNED, RUTHIE'S & MY FIRST DESIRE IS TO HELP IN ANY WAY WE CAN TO PRODUCE THE WORDS. There are several projects which I have ideas on to produce GP lit which I'll describe in a detailed letter. Any types of projects you'd want us to help on we'd love to, & we ask to.
I'M VERY SORRY FOR MY FAILURES, NEGLECTS & MISTAKES WITH PUBLICATIONS IN THE PAST IN NOT TAKING CARE OF GLP & the things you wanted to produce through it. I'm especially sorry for neglecting the Books & the mistakes that were made.
I LET MY PERSONAL FEELINGS AGAINST WORKING WITH MARK & my run-ins with him affect me to the point that I neglected the work you'd committed to GLP of producing the Books for the Family. Also, I failed to report to you the incidents & problems we had working together that caused me to not want anything to do with Mark.
INSTEAD OF REPORTING & SEEKING YOUR HELP & COUNSEL I JUST WITHDREW & neglected & forsook my responsibilities in GLP, & so did the same with producing the Books. I didn't want to write & trouble you about it, like a snag in the tapestry, until now it's grown to the point of destroying the whole tapestry. The hurt & loss this has caused you is more now because I failed you & your work—for this I am very very sorry.
PLEASE DON'T THINK THAT THIS HAS BEEN CAUSED BY LOSING FAITH IN YOU & YOUR WORDS. I believe in you as God's prophet & your God-given anointed Words more than ever! My burning desire is to help get them in print & out to the World that's dying for them. I know it doesn't look like that because of how I've neglected them, but please believe me.
RUTHIE & I WOULD BOTH FORSAKE EVERYTHING TO HELP WORK ON GETTING YOUR WORDS OUT. We have‚ both Ruthie & I, been guilty of getting busy fixing watches, & then we failed the battle. Because of my mistakes & the resulting treatment of me & Ruthie by Mark, we withdrew & let him take over GLP to protect our hurt feeling instead of contending for what responsibility you had given to us & being faithful to you & getting out your Words. I'm guilty of not reporting all this to you & failing you in letting this happen.
JUAN TOLD ME YOU SAID I LET ANOTHER MAN STEAL MY CROWN & now I see what that really means. I didn't really value it enough to see I needed to contend for it so I failed you & your Words. It's all my own fault‚ there's no one else to blame. God put me to the test & I failed.
BEING HERE WITH FAITH & JUAN I'VE SEEN HOW THEY REPORT EVERY DETAIL TO YOU & so they get back direct counsel & instructions which they can give with authority & conviction as answers from you directly on what to do, & then they go to work to follow through & obey. They obey without questioning & rationalising.
THROUGH MY DISOBEDIENCES I KNOW YOU HAVE SUFFERED MOST—THIS I HAVE FELT TOO. Through the result of my disobediences, the shock of my being temporarily cut off from you & the Family during my trip to Europe & the hurt that this caused me, I pray I will learn obedience. As it say's "Though He were a son, yet learned He obedience through the things which He suffered". Though I've not really suffered like Him, I pray I will learn obedience no matter what it takes.
BEFORE I MADE THIS TRIP TO EUROPE I thought that my loyalty & desire to serve you was unquestioned & unquestionable, but through my disobediences I see I've proven unable to be trusted, & this came as a very big shock to me that I needed.
ONLY SINCE I HAVE BEEN WITH FAITHY & SHE'S EXPLAINED TO ME WHAT A JUDAS DEBORAH & JETHRO ETC. HAVE BECOME (as I had no news of them since in the FN about two years ago) did the impact hit me of how far those who have been so close to you & you trusted so much could turn to hurt you & become so totally undeserving of your trust & contact with them. You have been through more suffering through these betrayals than I'll ever know. I pray God strengthens you. I would never have thought them possible, & yet I see they are. God have mercy.
NOW I UNDERSTAND PAUL'S PRAYER IN 1COR.5:3-5 & I certainly pray it in this case. Knowing these betrayals & reading this transcript I got the Scripture, Psalm 139:20-24. Please read so I don't have to write it out. In verse 21 it was like he was crying out, "Don't You believe I'm loyal & on Your side!" Verse 22 was his declaration & mine—I'm bungling & disobedient, but "lead me in the way everlasting." "To whom shall I go; Thou only hast the way of everlasting life." May I say with Peter in John 21:17 as he was grieved, "Lord, Thou knowest all things; Thou knowest that I love Thee."—I pray that you truly know that this is true from the bottom of my heart.
ALSO I PRAY THAT YOU'LL FORGIVE MY DISOBEDIENCES THAT GAVE YOU JUST CAUSE TO DOUBT ME & my loyalty & trustworthiness. In whatever way I can‚ please let me "feed your sheep".
PLEASE CORRECT ME‚ REPROVE ME‚ REBUKE ME IN ANY WAY NECESSARY TO STRAIGHTEN ME OUT without any fear that I won't receive it, take it & follow & obey. I'm too much like the old mule: "I'll be good & obedient if you hit me hard enough to get my attention." Sad to say it's true & I need it. I have to do it with my boys, & I need it & hope you'll keep doing it with me.
GOD HAS GIVEN YOU OTHERS WHO DO OBEY MORE EASILY, BUT I HOPE & PRAY I CAN STILL BE USEFUL if you hit me hard enough. I'm sorry‚ it sounds terrible but it's true.
THE FACT THAT YOU GOT THIS DREAM ABOUT ESTHER & THE REBUKE TO ME IN THIS TRANSCRIPT & didn't send it to me immediately because you weren't sure if I could take it or not hurt me a lot. It could have helped me so much & prevented more problems had it been sent to me when it was received. I'm not complaining or blaming anyone, I'm just begging that when direction is received regarding me that it be passed on to me immediately as it's desperately needed. Without your help, guidance & direction, other people can affect me in the wrong way temporarily.
A SPIRITED HORSE NEEDS A STRONG REIN, but it can jump obstacles & win races & battles that milder horses might not. Ruthie makes a good rider, but I'm sad to say, can't exercise a strong enough rein on me without help. But if she's told to, she can be pretty tough, even with me. She's certainly loyal to you & will stick by you with or without me because she loves you first. She has tried to encourage me to write you more & maybe in future it would be better if she & I wrote separate detailed reports on our situation‚ as she'd bring out points I might miss, etc.
I WANT TO BE HONEST & COMPLETELY OPEN WITH YOU, HIDING NOTHING, SO YOU CAN KNOW WHERE I'M AT & what correction & rebukes I need. All the problems & mistakes have been due in part to my failure to communicate & report on my spiritual condition & reactions to your Letters & suggestions. Because of this I know it's my own fault you didn't know if I would receive your correction‚ & caused you to doubt if you should send it. Because of my own disobediences, God knew what it would need and take to deal with me in my poor condition. Thanks for the extra special care & love you've taken with me.
2 December 1980
YESTERDAY I FLEW FROM ATHENS TO ZURICH. Faith & Juan put me on the plane, GBT, & Peter & Damaris picked me up. I can't thank you enough for your love & mercy to send them to pick me up, encourage me & try to help. On leaving Faithy & the MWM camp I could hardly hold back my tears on the way to the airport & all the way on the airplane. It was so sad to be leaving & I felt such a failure. But I'm sure my failures have made you even sadder.
WHEN I SAW PETER & DAMARIS COMING TO ME AT THE AIRPORT SMILING RADIANTLY the cloud of sadness over me passed away & I saw love & hope. Thanks so much for sending them. Their spirits were so loving & encouraging that I felt they were bringing me hope & love from you.
THEY TOOK ME TO MY PLACE TO STAY (which is very nice) to leave my baggage, & then took me to dinner.
AT DINNER THEY ASKED TO SEE MY PHOTO ALBUM & then I got into explaining to them about our trips to China, the children's singing, & vision for MWM to reach the Chinese. This got me so carried away that I just went on & on. I had just on the airplane been so down, but being with them sharing about the opportunity & vision for how God is opening up China inspired me to look at what's ahead instead of at myself & my failures. It makes me thank God that He's still giving me an opportunity to be used by His mercy.
AFTER DINNER WHEN PARTING THEY GAVE ME COPIES OF MY CONFESSION & APOLOGY WITH YOUR COMMENTS marked on them. They also gave copies of the reports about me written by Faithy & Juan, Emmanuel & Hannah, & Keda's report about Esther & with your comments. Your comments on my confession & especially on my apology really encouraged & gave me hope. Your reply, especially the last paragraph, is my earnest prayer. Thank you & TYJ.
AS YOU SAID, "GOD HAS OPENED UNTO ME A 'GREAT & EFFECTUAL DOOR'" (1Cor.16:9) there in China, & the last phrase of that verse says‚ "and there are many adversaries". This also certainly applies, & Eph.6:12: They are not flesh but spiritual adversaries, so we must have the Spirit & the full armour, especially the Word & Letters. TYJ.
AFTER JUST RECEIVING & STUDYING OVER "PRODIGAL PRODIGIES" I'm so thankful for the Lord's & your love & mercy to still offer me the "golden opportunity" of helping to open the door to China. Your prayer is my prayer too‚ though I know I'm unworthy like the Prodigal Son to be called your son. I'm thankful for grace & mercy. I want to be redeemed by repenting & obeying & following you & the Lord. As Moody said, "I want to be that man."
THE DAILY MIGHT FOR TODAY which I just read before reading this Letter was Number One, Day Three:
"GOD ONLY USES BROKEN MEN & WOMEN—NO OTHERS WILL DO! God has to break them, melt them & mold them again in the hands of the Potter, to make them a better vessel...so they are willing to go anywhere, any time & do anything, for anybody & be nobody, to please Him, & help others.
"WHY DON'T WE HAVE MORE LEADERS ... GOD CAN'T BREAK THEM FAST ENOUGH! If you're willing to be what God wants you to be, not what you are, but what God wants you to be, then He can mightily use you." (That's my prayer.) "By the time God's ready to make you really great, He makes absolutely nothing out of you, so ... it's only Jesus!" (God knows that's the breaking I've really needed.) The last paragraph says, "Unless you have been broken..." (Please read it all.)
(To be continued as I must catch the train...)
REPLY FROM DAD:
1. PTL SON! GBY! I BELIEVE YOU'RE MAKIN' IT! TTL! You're going through the breaking, The Garden‚ the circumcision of the heart, & it hurts, but it hurts so good when He chastises us, for it's the assurance that He loves us & we're His sons! Hallelujah!
2. SO SORRY I HAD TO SPANK YOU SO HARD, but as the mule said‚ it takes that to get your attention. I'd sent several hints & reproofs before, but nothing seemed to wake you up but these last good sound wallops! PTL! TTL for His rod & staff that comfort us (Ps.23), even though the blows may sometimes be hard to take!
3. WE HOPE NOW THAT ESTHER TOO WILL BE SO SHAKEN UP BY ALL THIS AS TO SEE THE LIGHT of her awful waywardness! Her rejection of the Word has brought such blindness & delusion that she's near to damnation! (2Thess.2:10–12.) We are therefore now compelled to expose her perfidy through publishing these letters to awaken both her & others to how far she's gone & hope & pray that she'll repent before it's too late.
4. WELL, SON, IF I'VE NEGLECTED YOU ANY IN THE PAST‚ FORGIVE ME. But I am a pretty busy man with 8000 other children & grandchildren to take care of. However, I think we're about caught up with you now in time spent on you & your problems, as it's taken a couple weeks to write all these Letters & read yours & to prepare them all for publishing so the whole Family will better understand the situation & all learn valuable lessons from it.
5. MOST OF YOUR LETTERS MAKE GOOD SERMONS to benefit others & warn them not to make the same mistakes. You always were a good little preacher from the beginning, & you sure know how to quote the right references! So these'll make a good series of sermons on the subject!
6. LET'S JUST HOPE & PRAY THAT YOU'LL NOW CONTINUE TO PRACTICE WHAT YOU'RE PREACHIN'!—Amen? PTL! GBY! WLY & pray for you to make it! Stay close to Jesus & His Word & you will!—And if there's anything more we can do to help you all, please let us know.
7. WE'RE HOPING TO GET SOME GOOD VIDEOS OF YOUR TRAVELS & places & folks there, as well as some good picture stories for the Mag, & you could also write up some good testimonies of your own life on the road with dear ol' Dad when you were young, & how we really lived what we're preachin'!—Amen? PTL! Thanks! It's a great life if you live it!—Amen? Lotsa love & prayer,—D.