—Hong Kong.12/12/80DO 952-13
Dear Dad, Maria, Peter & family,
I LOVE YOU & THANK YOU AGAIN. Please pray for me, as I'm only, I think, just barely beginning to see what's been so long so damnably wrong with me. Everyday I'm hit with a continuous stream of revelation of how simply everything I've done & been & influenced has been so completely off beam & inspired by the Enemy to destroy or hinder Ho & our sample & job.
I'M DAZED BY THE MAGNITUDE OF THE NUMBER OF WAYS I'VE SINNED AGAINST YOU & HO & THE FAMILY. They fly at me left & right throughout the days & nights now, & I feel somewhat powerless to try to capture & confess them all, like I'd need to write at the speed of thought, so I feel really inadequate in expressing it all. I want to write down everything I can though‚ & I'm asking the Lord to really help me not to forget or try to cover for myself on these things.
I FEEL IF YOU REALLY KNEW THE EXTENT OF IT‚ more than you've even brought out (that I've heard so far)‚ I don't see how you can possibly want me here anymore‚ & the fact the Lord has kept me & been so merciful—& you in particular been so merciful after what I've done & been—it really amazes me & makes me so totally ashamed of myself before you.
I NEED TO ASK YOUR FORGIVENESS SO MANY WAYS & APOLOGISE TO YOU FOR SO MUCH. The same is true for Ho, & I'm praying I can make up at least in some way for the way I've been to him & you & the work. It's such a heavy debt of sin & defiance, you are so very right to say I need to serve & slave & give all every day‚ & that seems so utterly inadequate. Your mercy & the Lord's mercy & the accompanying debt of my sins paint such a vivid & wider-than–life picture of love—real love—the Lord's love for me & to me that I feel so undone, & it's so hard to put into words. God give me grace & power to change & yield & become a new creature.
"WHOSOEVER COVERETH HIS SINS SHALL NOT PROSPER," so I want to confess & forsake them & walk in obedience. It's so true that I influenced & led Ho out of your will & was in defiance of you & the Letters concerning our message & methods of love & sharing. My Systemite heart & mind rebelled & led a private (at first)‚ then later more open rebellion & murmuring, sowing doubts about it to others. Since coming to H.K., instead of following the Letters & spirit of the RNR, I forsook the Lord & Family & Ho for the physical comforts of a Systemite, & allowed his doubting influence into my life & heart & letting it lead us by my actions & selfishness, into a wide range of side tracks & sins. My actions, my attitude & my words with Ho & Ruthie & family put tremendous pressure on them for a long time & their covering for me spiritually, & their having to do my work, my job, got them away from God's will & led them into the Systemite-like ties with my fleshly "King" entirely wrongly.
THE PHYSICAL & FINANCIAL BURDEN MY SELFISH SINS, SICKNESSES, DEPARTURES & MURMURINGS BROUGHT ON pushed them into a long list of departures from the Lord's & your will for us in H.K. My lack of love & sex & withholding of myself from Ho brought him under an even heavier burden of discouragement & pressure.
I CAN SAY NOW & SEE HOW VERY TRUE IT IS THAT I'M TO BLAME FOR OUR FAILURES HERE & for Ho's departures from your will for him due to my witnessing of my murmurs & bitterness & totally self-centered actions. I'm sure they would have been better off if I had left for the System where my heart had been & where I was leading them through selfish interests & burdens, financial & physical, as well as spiritual. How you can let me stay or have any chance for change is so amazing! I'm so very very sorry. I was in this state of mind when I came to Europe, so though I went through the motions of trying to contact you, my heart wasn't in it‚ & the Lord brought it to naught to expose me, which it did.
I'VE BEEN SO VERY VERY LONG—A LIFETIME IN FACT—DELUDED BY EXPECTING TO BE SOMEONE OR SOMETHING SPECIAL—& instead of becoming a yielded child of God, I kept my selfish dream & interest beside me, instead of yielding it to the Lord in order to become an obedient, pleasing daughter. What a wreckage & havoc I've made for the Lord, & so much to be undone & tried to be made right now. I feel like a miracle or miracles is needed in my life to help me, & I want to let you know I feel your sharing with me (& all) about my mental weakness, & this exposé has shattered my illusionary unreal world, & I really, really pray I'll make it through to obedience as a changed creature & an obedient & listening one.
SORRY I MUST CLOSE AGAIN. (My confessions are so short, the "padding" so long!) Next letter I'll try to just step by step relate how & when these things were done.
JUST WANTED TO ADD: I SAW "THE TAMING OF THE SHREW" LAST NIGHT. It was so accurate & appropriate for me. God bless Shakespeare for his wisdom on women. Her change & victory at the end was such a beautiful & hopeful sight; I pray I'll have such a change & become a useful & obedient & respectful wife & real mother. Love, Esther.
1. (Amen! God bless & help you!—We're praying for you!—Love,—Dad.)