—After Ho's return to Hong Kong.9/12/80DO 952-12
Dear Dad‚ Maria‚ Peter & Family,
(Especially to Dad, in apology & love & faith in your words to us & about us, myself, in particular.)
I REALLY LOVE YOU, SIR, & WANT TO THANK YOU IN A MOST HEARTFELT WAY for dealing with us & with me. I feel like I need to write a book, not just a letter, to confirm to you & others how true & just very desperately needed your Letters & dealings are, & especially concerning my spiritual condition & sins. You've been so honest with us, & I want you to know I believe all you've said of me is true & describes my sins & state of mind & spirit very very well.
I WANT TO WRITE TO FULLY CONFESS & BE DELIVERED‚ so I can be helped & kept in check by all those around me. I need desperately a cleansing & purging & renewing of my mind & spirit, & I pray by searching back into these things I've been so guilty of, I can fully realise & receive the chastening & dealing the Lord needs to give me.
I'M SURE MORE WILL COME AS I WRITE, & it'll take awhile to put it all down, but I first of all want to tell you that I believe in what you've said about me & I'm sincerely so very, very thankful for the truth. I know there's no one & nowhere else we can receive the truth from, that we need to keep our souls & bodies in subjection & obedience to the Lord, & what you've written & said of me is so much the merciful answer to my prayers. I wish there's some way I could really tell you or express how deeply thankful I am & love you for reaching out to correct me & put me in my place. I want very much to obey & follow this & be healed & changed.
WHEN I FIRST MET & HEARD FROM HO AFTER HIS TRIP THERE & I realised, or I think just began to realise, how demonically led & used I've been, & how much we've failed. I felt that if we can, by a miracle of God's help & grace, strive to obey & become a Godly sample of obedience to your words, that this would please you & be the greatest testimony & proof of our love & faith in you, no matter what place we have in the kingdom.
THEN, AS EVEN MORE OF MY PERFIDY BECAME REAL TO ME, I began to—& do now—pray desperately that we will receive & be changed & obey, that my children will be able to receive their "inheritance of the saints", of you & your teaching & calling for all of your family.
I PRAY SO DESPERATELY THAT THE LORD WILL HELP ME & STRENGTHEN ME, & most of all‚ forgive me & help me to rid all of our lives of the spiritual wickedness & deceit & doubt & disobedience that I've been so completely responsible for. I feel like I've been not just a wandering star‚ but a wandering & destructive rocket, used by the Enemy & gone out of orbit & control to destructive purposes.
EVERYTHING YOU'VE SAID I NEED TO SHAKE ME UP TO SEE MY SINS & THE TRUTH ABOUT MYSELF, & I see now much more clearly how dangerous I've been. I'm so amazed at your mercy even that I've had the chance to see & hear these things, & that I'm not shipped out without these words, as I really deserve to be. The havoc & horrible waste I've been to the Lord's plan for Ho & our family is so amazing; most amazing is that the Lord hasn't taken me out of their way & Ho's way before now.
WHEN I FIRST READ HO'S FIRST CONFESSION, THANK GOD, I'D BEEN SHAKEN AWAKE ENOUGH TO BE SO ANGRY THAT HE WAS TAKING THE BLAME HIMSELF FOR MY SINS & the results of my sins, & had even been protecting me‚ or not even aware yet of how deeply I'd influenced him with the Devil's lies & alibis.
I MARVEL IN AMAZEMENT AT THE LORD'S MERCY, if even for the sake of revealing the total truth so it can be a lesson for others. My sins & horrors of spirit really range deep & I pray there'll be a change, that I'll be delivered & purged & healed. Please know I love you & I thank you from my heart sincerely for this undeserved mercy & chance to repent & change. There's so much more I need to write. Please pray for me to continue in this to a real victory. I love you both so much. Love you & thank you, In Jesus' name, Esther. XXX
MORE FROM ESTHER!
Dear Dad, Maria‚ Peter & Family,10/12/80
GBAKYA! I REALLY WANT TO TELL YOU AGAIN THAT I LOVE YOU & thank you for the time you've given to correct & inform us of how & why we are failing. Thank you especially for putting me on the spot & exposing my sins. Everything about this really hits me because of its magnitude: The fact you even are letting me have any chance at all, your & the Lord's mercy, how long you've all suffered with me & how much harm I've been to everyone, & how long the Lord has put up with me going on in my sins.
I FEEL THAT YOUR EXPOSURE OF ME & MY SINS & WEAKNESS HAS TO BEAR FRUIT IN ME, & I feel it has to some degree, & I welcome the rebukes & much needed truth. It's been the sharp awakening I've needed, & I feel like I'm seeing everything in totally new eyes, & I'm really so thankful for it, & for your correction.
THE REPORTS I'VE READ & COMMENTS ABOUT ME HAVE BEEN TRUE, & I feel like I need to cling to them & receive & act on the truth in them with all my heart in order to be saved. Your explaining about my mental state & weakness is such a help because it's been a total eye-opener; when placed beside my attitude & "dreams of grandeur" it makes such a contrast of truth & delusion & helps me to see how much & how long I've been deluded by my pride to want to be something. The truth is, I can be so happy I'm even in His service & have any way at all to be part of this work. I really pray I'm able to make it & take it & be of some use to my family. You've been so right about everything.
I SEE I'VE BEEN A REAL SYSTEMITE ALL ALONG IN MY HEART IN MATTERS PERTAINING TO MY PERSONAL DESIRES & GREEDS. My built-up (self built) dreams of what I've wanted from life & from the Lord have so long obliterated any motives of dedication or service. I've used my family of children to excuse or defend myself to myself, so I've always been in personal conflict about this. Sometimes I've had the victory, but not very often or much, & most of the time not at all in recent years.
THE CONFLICTS BETWEEN MY GREED OR PERSONAL DESIRES CENTERED ON WANTING TO BE THE STAR. As Dad said, I was a child prodigy of sorts before the Family, & yearned to be in the spotlight again‚ "for the Lord." Living & accepting the life & job of motherhood was a conflict—& always has been. When the babies came I turned my resentment into a selfish, "Well‚ if I can't have this, I at least want that" attitude regarding Ho & our relationship. I really yearned for more help & fellowship but wasn't blessed—at the time I don't think I was aware of the connection. So I resented the call on Ho the Lord rightfully had at times‚ & was in conflict about this during the years I was having the children—from time to time. The times I had the victory were when I was in obedience & of a willing spirit in this. The times we had together were good ones & the Lord was helping me—& certainly keeping me busy enough! Ha!
I ALWAYS HAD AT THE BACK OF MY MIND, THOUGH, THE SAME SYSTEMY "DEMAND" OR GREED OF THE LORD THAT ONE DAY I'D BE ABLE TO HAVE A "NORMAL" MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIP WITH HO, & he'd be a father & I'd have his help. The Letters & focus at the time on marriages & relationships did more to feed my greedy vision & begin to build a resentment for what I thought was my lack.
AFTER THE SIXTH BABY I KNOW I CRACKED. The physical strain mixed with housing pressures & my really poor attitude reaped a result of sickness. This was in London. I had written Dad really concerned because I was "cracking" I felt, & needed a helper. This was the time Ho was asked by Dad to stay & try to help us, & I was really thankful.
BUT AT THAT TIME OUR RELATIONSHIP WASN'T BLESSED BECAUSE I'D BEGUN TO PANIC BECAUSE HO WANTED TO BE WITH RUTHIE & I was afraid of being left, & Ho had become involved in the foreign Ministry‚ not helping us. I became sick then with a lingering internal infection & spiritual root of bitterness, as it seemed to me Ho had rejected helping me & the kids. My resentment was based on my pride & greed again, & my "gimme" System heart. This was the beginning of the end for sure for me physically & spiritually, & from that point I've totally failed every test & grown to become given over to my delusions & sins of resentment & bitterness, which led to my doubts & rebellion of the Word concerning these things. The Enemy just had his way with me then because I lost all power & spiritual fellowship with the Lord & Ho.
THIS WAS WHEN THE LORD TESTED ME ON MY ATTITUDE TOWARD HO TAKING ANOTHER WIFE. I'm thankful I can see this now. When you & Ho mentioned it as being the point of my departure from receiving the truth I was shocked, but now I can see that that has been true & my weakness all along, as Ho said. I had feared it wrongfully up to that point, & from that point on, became the Enemy's victim, & worst of all, tool, because of my rejection & doubt on this work. I tried to justify my doubts to myself, all built around the selfish Systemy idea I had wanted, & so rejected the truth & became an open tool for the Enemy, even aiding & abetting it because of the blow to my pride & selfishness. Even now while I'm writing this, it is such a contrary picture to what I've believed & clung to so long. I wonder if there is any chance or way I can make a change & be renewed, & I want to very very much. I will need such a total breaking of habits in thought & word.
AT THIS POINT I BECAME RESENTFUL OF HO. After his visit to you, during which time I felt convicted & a desire to be restored, I was tested on my selfishness & lack of faith again , & responded as a Systemite, not a faithful full-of-faith child of God. I used it to feed my growing resentment completely off track & deceived because I listened to the Enemy to justify my selfishness & murmuring & lack of faith or desire to share or give.
I HOPE THAT THE WAY I'M PUTTING THIS DOWN IS OK. I feel like I've related this story so much recently to others from a totally deluded & lying point of view. I want to retrace & refute & put right for the record, & I hope for my soul's sake, the event's I've used selfishly in delusion & about which I believed the Devil's lies. I want to expose why I believed, & trace the points where I rejected the truth & way. It's the truth, as I want, so help me Lord‚ to take a stand for & refute & resist the lies that I've wrongly believed & propagated. I really want to be delivered of these things & reject them completely, & expose them for lies & how they have all stemmed from my selfishness‚ not the Lord or anyone else; there isn't any truth in it at all except for the exposure of the selfishness & sin behind them, for which the Lord holds me accountable.
I FEEL LIKE I WANT TO JUST KEEP HEARING WHERE I'VE BEEN WRONG & used by the Enemy so I can see myself & the truth, & somehow it can help me.
MY ENTIRE ATTITUDE HAS STEMMED FROM A "TAKING" & "DEMANDING" SELFISH & SELF-CENTERED VIEWPOINT FOR SO VERY LONG, as opposed to being giving & sacrificial, loving & sharing, which is all the Lord calls us to be & to stand for.
I USED OUR "SPECIAL" SITUATION TO HIDE BEHIND & WASN'T PUT TO THE DAILY TESTS OF SACRIFICING & WORKING THAT OTHERS WERE & were living well‚ & used my being Ho's wife as a way to not face these faults. When Ho was demoted then, it was really hard for me to adjust, if I ever did, because I had been so used to being deferred to. Even after that, I was sheltered from the rough way of getting support & living, & continued on in high-handed ways with others. And all that time I was harbouring a resentment to Ho, & a selfish spirit, which grew much, much worse & became totally insane after coming to H. K.
I NEED TO STOP JUST HERE‚ BUT GOD HELP ME TO CONTINUE & MAKE A TOTAL CONFESSION. There's so much to confess it overwhelms me somewhat. I feel very dazed when I see how totally off & damaging I've been. Thank God you want to tell me—that's the only hope I see in it. If it's possible for me to be healed & changed, I really pray for it. I can see now that I don't have it in myself. I wait on the Lord's mercy & help, & on your mercy, which I have long long since ceased deserving.
I GUESS THE ONLY CLAIM I CAN POSSIBLY HAVE FOR MERCY & HELP IS THAT I NEED IT, & if anyone can qualify on that point, it's certainly me. Thank you for the truth that kills & enlightens. You've turned the light on for me, on me, & helped me begin to see what the Lord & others see, I truly hope.—Love, Esther.
(Dad's Reply: 26/12/80
1. (PTL! GBY, SWEETHEART! YOU'RE MAKING PROGRESS!—To recognise & face the problem helps us attack it. It sounds like you're on the road to victory! Hallelujah! Keep rollin'!—WLY & surely will forgive you if you'll help get all this straightened out & keep on the right track from now on—which is in His Word & obeying it!
2. (YOU'VE ACCOMPLISHED A MONUMENTAL TASK IN HAVING & REARING ALL THOSE WONDERFUL CHILDREN & training'm for God's service & His glory! More power to you!—And He'll give you more power if you'll continue in Him‚ His Word, His Love & His Will!—Amen! GBY all! WLY & pray for you & hope for better things & days for you ahead!—HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL!—In Jesus' name, amen!—Love‚—D.