DO 19082/85—Another Maria Letter! No.16
1. DAD IS ALWAYS SAYING SUCH SWEET THINGS ABOUT ME, ABOUT HOW WONDERFUL I AM & HOW BEAUTIFUL I AM & HOW I'M SO SPECIAL‚ & NOW HE'S BEEN TELLING ME HOW MUCH HE LIKES TO READ THE VARIOUS TALKS I'VE BEEN GIVING. Well, I can't contradict him & tell him I'm not wonderful & I'm not beautiful & all of these things, so I just have to thank the Lord that he feels that way about me. As far as my talks go, if anything good comes out of what I say I know it is definitely the Lord, I know it doesn't come from my intelligence or my experience or my schooling or my education! I am not exceedingly intelligent‚ & if you'd check the IQ of the Family you'd probably find that I'm just about normal or average.
2. I KNOW THAT THE THINGS I DO WHICH YOU THINK ARE SO INTELLIGENT JUST COME STRAIGHT FROM THE LORD! I'm not consistent in those things, I don't always do intelligent things, I can't reason things out, I get all confused when something is the least little bit scientific or mathematical. I even get confused when Dad tries to tell me how to operate simple machines, or how to switch a couple of switches! I don't usually get it on the first try; it takes me a little while to learn.
3. AS FAR AS MY EDUCATION GOES, I HAD ABOUT TWO YEARS OF COLLEGE WHICH I REALLY DON'T THINK DID ME MUCH GOOD. My schooling was pretty much like everybody else's, but I don't remember much of anything that I learned. I have one of the worst memories of anybody I've ever seen & about the only things I remember from school are those things which I have used practically every day: My short hand‚ typing, spelling, English & grammar. If I had stopped using them for a couple of months I probably would have forgotten them as well, but because I've used them practically every day since I learned them‚ they've become pretty well ingrained. But as far as anything else I learned, I've completely forgotten it, I don't remember anything! (Don't let'r kid you!—She's plenty smart!)
4. A LOT OF TIMES I WONDER WHY SHOULD I READ THE NEWSPAPER OR WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO SOMETHING PRACTICAL OR MECHANICAL OR INSTRUCTIONAL LIKE A DOCUMENTARY WITH FACTS ABOUT A COUNTRY, I get discouraged about taking my time to do those things since it won't sink in & I won't remember any of it. I know that is a very defeatist attitude‚ but that's how I feel. I know I should get the victory over it, but I feel like it is a waste of time since I'm not going to remember it anyway. Even though those things are very interesting to me, I feel like I am just entertaining myself for the moment since I am not going to be able to retain any of it or ever remember any of it to share with anybody or help anybody, so why waste the time on it? I feel pretty dumb about things because I am not willing to invest the time to really learn, because I wouldn't remember them anyway, so why should I even do it?
5. SO I KNOW THAT IF ANYTHING GOOD COMES OUT OF ME THAT IT'S ONLY THE LORD! Take the music ministry for example, I think the musicians would really have a laugh if I told them I can't name some of the instruments I hear in their songs. When I listen to the songs, I have to ask what instruments are being played as I sometimes have a hard time distinguishing them! Obviously anything that I've told them about their songs or their music has to have come from the Lord, because I don't know anything about it! I never had any musical training except some piano lessons when I was young. You would assume of course that I should know at least a little bit about music since I took piano lessons for a few years, but I don't remember anything about it! I might as well not have taken them because I didn't retain anything. I hardly even remember the scale & the notes & the terminology or anything, my memory is just completely wiped out! I never could work up much motivation for those piano lessons & I didn't practice much, but maybe it was because the Lord knew I was never going to use piano. It seems like I certainly could have learned a little bit about music in the process, but I didn't! (Don't let'r kid you!—She can still play!)
6. TO ME THE PIANO WAS LIKE OTHER THINGS YOU LEARNED IN SCHOOL, LIKE HOW YOU LEARNED THE ABC'S. The way it was presented to me was very mechanical‚ very much by rote, here were the notes & you just push down this key to go with this note, & that was about all I did, I never learned any music theory or what was behind it all. I learned to play very simply, but only after a few years, as I didn't practice very much. I could play very simple songs, but I didn't have the slightest idea of what I was doing except that I was looking at the notes on the music sheet & those notes matched certain keys on the piano. That's all I was doing, just matching notes & keys, it didn't really mean anything! I haven't brought any of that music training over into today since there was really nothing to bring over, I didn't learn anything except just a few notes I saw in front of me. It was about the same as learning Pennsylvania history, what do I remember of that?—Not one little iota!—And the same goes with the music!
7. AS FAR AS MY EXPERIENCE WITH LIFE IN GENERAL; WELL, UP TO THE TIME I JOINED THE FAMILY MY EXPERIENCE WAS VERY LIMITED. I was raised in a very sheltered home, I didn't do much or see much of the World & I didn't have much contact with people outside of our tiny churches except my classmates & several jobs. I taught some Sunday School classes which I enjoyed, which was good experience in being with people & in communicating with people. I'm sure that even that limited contact & being able to learn how to handle people a little bit was good for me. Although I wasn't instructed in it at all, just the fact that I had to do it & that I had to be around people & be some kind of sample to them was good for me. I probably learned a little bit about people doing that & something must have sunk in along the line somewhere.
8. OF COURSE SINCE I'VE JOINED THE FAMILY, MY EXPERIENCE WITH DAD HAS BEEN INVALUABLE, BUT I MUST ADMIT THERE'S A LOT THAT I HAVEN'T ABSORBED OR I CAN'T REMEMBER. It's like everything is very vague‚ the experiences, the situations, the things I've gone through, all of it! As far as specific experiences that I can tell you about, or relatable illustrations & examples & stories & things we did together & where we were & when & the people we dealt with & things like that, it's all very vague. Since I can't claim the value of the experiences, I think the most important things I've learned from being with Dad have been the spiritual things & the attitudes & ways of thinking, things that have been passed on sort of through osmosis, just by being around him. Of course that is invaluable & it's there, in spite of the fact that I can't remember any specific examples to back it up with, just being with him so long has rubbed off on me, at least I hope it has! Maybe it hasn't rubbed off enough, but I'm sure by faith that a lot of it has, TTL! (AMEN! GBH!)
9. DAD HAS ALL KINDS OF EXPERIENCE TO DRAW FROM, HE'S HAD SUCH A FULL LIFE & HE HAS THE MEMORY OF IT WHICH IS VERY IMPORTANT, because that is so much of what his teaching is, the sharing of his experiences, & applying them to today's situation. He's got all those wonderful examples & illustrations & situations & incidents & facts that he knows, & he can share it because he remembers it. I'm just completely zero when it comes to that, not only because of my lack of experience, but also because of my lack of being able to remember anything specifically. I'm doing good if I can remember a few months ago, ha! I know that a lot of other people have similar problems with remembering, but I'm just saying that for me it is a great handicap to not be able to remember things. If I have to instruct & teach people I would much rather be able to draw on a lot of experiences & illustrations & stories & incidents, but I can't, so I might as well not fret about that because that's the way it is!
10. ALL THAT TO SAY THAT IF I'M EVER ABLE TO TEACH ANYTHING OR SAY ANYTHING GOOD, THEN I KNOW IT REALLY IS FROM THE LORD‚ IT'S NOT ANYTHING THAT I HAVE! It is not because of my intelligence or my great background or my experience or my education or anything, it is just the Lord! I know it is the Lord for sure! I'm not so sure that other people know that completely because I haven't explained this all to them‚ but maybe now that I've explained it they'll understand‚ & I hope they believe me because it is true! But I think the Lord has made me without such a vivid memory & without much Worldly experience & He let me be of mediocre intelligence, because it proves all the more that it's Him! If anything gets done or if anything good comes out of my mouth, it shows it's just the Lord! (She has a marvellous memory for names!)
11. THE LORD COULD HAVE GIVEN MY JOB TO A LOT OF OTHER PEOPLE IN THE FAMILY WHO KNEW A LOT MORE THAN I DID & WERE A LOT MORE INTELLIGENT, TALENTED, BEAUTIFUL, CHARMING, "SPIRITUAL" & HAD A LOT MORE BACKGROUND & EXPERIENCE, BUT HE DIDN'T! I have to go back to what I said about being glad I'm weak‚ because I'm sure that's why the Lord chose me with all my weaknesses, to prove it's only Him! The Lord could have made me have a better memory, He could have given me a better education & better instruction in various things like music & art & different things that would have been useful, but He didn't! So I have to conclude that He made me the way He wanted me to be & it must be for a purpose. Then I have to ask myself, well, what's the purpose? It seems to me it would be a lot easier if I had a better memory & had been trained in a few of these things like art & music that I'm always having to instruct people in & to have had more experience with people & not to be so shy‚ but since I don't, I can only conclude that He has some reason for having made me the way I am.
12. I'VE COME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT THE LORD MADE ME THIS WAY SO EVERYBODY WILL KNOW THAT IT'S JUST THE LORD IF I DO ANYTHING GOOD, THAT IF YOU LEARN ANYTHING LISTENING TO ME, YOU'LL KNOW IT'S HIM TEACHING YOU & NOT ME—AT LEAST I'LL KNOW IT FOR SURE & THAT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT THING! I know for sure that it is the Lord & it is not anything of me‚ because even if I could claim all this experience from being with Dad, I don't even remember it! I hardly remember anything! I don't remember Scriptures, Quotes, Endtime classes, I don't remember the names of MO Letters, I can hardly remember the specifics of what the MO Letters say! If I would dwell on it I would get very discouraged & upset, so I try not to! I'm just thankful that I can open my mouth & the Lord gives me something‚ it doesn't depend on what I've read or what I've heard or what I've done or what I've learned, it doesn't depend on anything like that, it just depends on the Lord!
13. I COULD HAVE LEARNED A LOT MORE ABOUT ALL KINDS OF DIFFERENT THINGS, BUT IF I WASN'T GOING TO REMEMBER IT, THEN IT WOULDN'T HAVE DONE ME ANY GOOD ANYWAY, so thank the Lord I didn't go any further in piano, for example‚ & didn't waste any more time than I did, because I don't remember a thing about it now. I guess the Lord had me at least do a few things because I had to keep occupied with something when I was growing up, I had to do a little bit of something! Probably the most important thing I did when I was young was learn to love the Lord. At least I was brought up in a sweet, kind, loving family, which was a good thing since I spent so much of my time observing my parents as I was so sheltered & didn't see too much of anything else.
14. TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT I WAS DOING ALL THOSE YEARS, & I still don't know what they were for exactly, since I don't remember anything that I learned from that time. I didn't do very much but I must have gotten something along the way, it must have been for some reason. That's one of the questions I'll ask the Lord when we get Up There. Sometimes I look back & I think that my younger years were a bit of a waste, all those years of just going to school & not remembering anything that I learned. I had a rather boring life, doing about the same thing every day & not being with anybody much other than my parents & those in my school, so I don't know what it was all for except that maybe it protected me from getting in trouble & doing things I shouldn't do. The Lord knows, so there must be some good reason in it!
15. ALL THAT JUST TO SAY THAT ANYTHING THAT THE LORD SHOWS ME, OR THAT HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH WHAT IS ACCOMPLISHED, IS JUST THE LORD, it doesn't have anything to do with what I learned or how smart I am, because I'm really very dumb. Oh, I'd say I have normal intelligence, but that's not exactly real smart, as Dad says most people only have the intelligence of a 13–year–old! Most people's average mentality & intelligence doesn't really go beyond what a 13–year–old has reached & that's about how I feel! But that's good because the Lord wants to keep things simple & if most everybody else is simple then I should be simple too‚ right? That way I can be on everybody else's level! I'm really dumb so I try to make everything simple for myself & in the process of making it simple for me I make it simple for everybody else, so maybe that's good too.
16. (PETER: THE THING THAT'S ENCOURAGING IS THAT EVEN THOUGH YOU DON'T FEEL THAT YOU HAVE THIS‚ THAT & THE OTHER‚ IT'S OBVIOUS THAT THE LORD DOES USE YOU & DOES SPEAK THROUGH YOU & HE GIVES YOU THINGS NOW, WHICH GOES TO SHOW THAT IN THE TIMES TO COME, HE STILL WILL! Regardless of how incapable or untalented you may feel, you know that if the Lord shows you things now & uses you to help others now, that He'll continue to do the same later!) Well, I must say that it is encouraging that the Lord can use me a little bit, but I know it is just the Lord! I'll never be able to doubt that it's the Lord because I know myself & my own shortcomings so well. Dad's always trying to encourage me. He says, "Oh, Honey, you're very smart, you took piano & you understand all about it." Well, I'm not going to argue with him, but I know that I didn't retain any of the music I learned from those piano lessons, I forgot it all. I'd be the first to admit that the Lord helps me & gives me things, because I know better than anybody that it's all the Lord & it is nothing of my own intelligence or training or anything at all.
17. IT REALLY TICKLES ME WHEN PEOPLE SAY‚ "OH, YOU'RE SO BEAUTIFUL!" I can't contradict them though, because Dad says the same thing & if I contradict them then that means I'm contradicting Dad & I don't want to contradict Dad, so what can I do? Since he's already said it in the Letters I have to be careful! If it were just somebody else saying it, & Dad hadn't said it, then I would contradict them! I realise though that what they see is the Spirit & that they are not talking in the physical, because we see things more in the Spirit. When I look at it that way it makes it a little easier to accept & I don't feel obligated to deny it & tell them all the reasons that I'm not beautiful. I figure I can just pass it off with the fact that I know they are talking about the Spirit & they see the Spirit. It's really encouraging to me when the Spirit shines through, & it has really encouraged me a lot because I know that when people think I'm beautiful in the physical or however they think I'm beautiful, I know that they are seeing the Spirit, no matter what they think they're seeing! (Yes—but she is gorgeous!)
18. IT'S JUST LIKE PEOPLE DO WITH OUR FFERS, SOME OF OUR GIRLS WHO ARE QUITE PLAIN, ARE TOLD BY THEIR FISH THAT THEY'RE ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL! Maybe the fish think it is the physical because the Spirit comes through & the Spirit transforms you & can make even your physical look pretty to someone who sees the Spirit in you. The Spirit is so strong that it takes over, the Spirit comes through loud & clear & strong & is really beautiful, so the fish confuse the physical & the spiritual, they can't distinguish between the two. The fact is that it's the Spirit regardless of whether people confuse the physical & the Spirit. I know it is the Spirit! But that makes me happy because it makes me know it is the Lord again.
19. SO IN EVERY WAY I KNOW IT IS ALL JESUS, & I GUESS THE LORD HAD TO DO THAT BECAUSE I MIGHT HAVE GOTTEN PRETTY PROUD & BEEN TEMPTED TO THINK THAT IT WAS SOMETHING I DID OR THAT IT WAS BECAUSE OF ME, OR WAS BECAUSE OF SOMETHING IN MY BACKGROUND. The Lord knows how to keep people humble & since I don't have anything to call on, or any background or any way at all to even begin to think that it could be something I did or because of something I am, then I know that it's all just Jesus! I think I would have been pretty proud otherwise, because I have a lot that could make me proud, the Lord has given me so so much‚ but the Lord wanted to make sure that I stayed nice & humble & that I gave Him all the credit. I can see that it is only the Lord & nothing that I have done or could do, & that serves to keep me pretty much where I should be most of the time. Maybe I should end this with the song that Dad often sings, "I'll give all the glory to Jesus & tell of His love, His wonderful love‚ I'll give all the glory to Jesus & tell of His wonderful love!" All the glory goes to Jesus!