April 4, 2003
DO 1084October 1981
1. AFTER DAVID & I MET 50-YEAR-OLD SALES MANAGER J. & HIS GIRLFRIEND & another couple they were with at a Dinner Dance Inn & after I had spent some time speaking to very receptive J. of real love & how he could have it‚ that it was God's love‚ etc., later that evening at the cottage of the girlfriend‚ who had invited us all over afterwards & was very attracted to David, also at that same time David having FFed her friend, the other girl in the party, the other man's friend for the evening—(see story coming soon)—the next morning I felt led to write J. a letter repeating that I loved him & explaining simply about God's love, using for the main body of the letter quotes from the Daily Might.
2. I KNEW HIS SALES CONVENTION WOULD BE ENDED AT SEVEN O'CLOCK THAT NIGHT AT THE HOTEL & I thought if the Lord worked it out we could possibly go there to eat & meet him there once more just before he left town & give him the letter, & possibly if there was anything else to be done, we could do it then.
3. WE GOT TO THE HOTEL LATE, ABOUT A QUARTER TILL EIGHT, but just previous to that I'd called the hotel registry list & he was unlisted at the hotel. So we thought, "Well, it'd certainly be a miracle if he were still around‚ since his convention was supposed to have ended & I don't have a room number." But as we walked in we saw a sign giving the news that his group was having their final dinner in the hotel. That was the miracle we needed, for J. to be at that banquet & for me to be able to talk to him there.
4. SO DAVID, ALFRED & I GOT SETTLED IN THE HOTEL RESTAURANT & I went off to try to find out when I could talk to J. I spoke with the men in the anteroom of the banquet hall & asked them when I could see someone from the convention. They were very obliging & told me that the speech was on right then, but if I'd come back within half-an-hour they could take me in & introduce me. Well, I graciously protested the public introduction & asked instead if he could not come out.
5. SO FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER ONE OF THE MEN WHOM I HAD TALKED TO CAME OVER TO ME IN THE LOUNGE & said he could ask Mr. D. to come out & see me now. "Thank you, I'll be waiting for him," I replied. So he came out very surprised & said he couldn't figure out who it was when they'd given the announcement but that he was very pleased to see me.
6. HE WAS VERY SWEET & SAID HE & L., THE OTHER MAN IN THE PARTY FROM THE NIGHT BEFORE, HAD JUST BEEN TALKING ABOUT US during the dinner & wondering where we lived‚ etc., & if they'd get to see us again, & he told me that as soon as he could get free after the other speech he'd be out with L. I told him I'd either be waiting there in the lounge or I'd be in having dinner with David & Alfred. "OK," he said emphatically‚ "Don't go away, don't go anywhere & I'll be back as soon as I can!"
7. SO I WAITED AWHILE IN THE LOUNGE & THEN I TRADED PLACES WITH ALFRED & went back & ate part of his salad for dinner while he stood watch in the lounge so that he could grab the fellows as they came out to prevent them from coming in to have dinner with us, as David's delicate digestion could not stand dinner visitors.
8. I WAS DONE EATING JUST ABOUT THE SAME TIME AS SUE CAME, whom we had called when we realised that we were going to have more than one fellow & I'd need help‚ because I was feeling shy about talking to two men at once. One on one is fine, but two is more than I thought I could handle!
9. AS IT TURNED OUT, JUST A FEW MINUTES AFTER ALFRED HAD GONE BACK TO DAD in the restaurant & Sue & I were sitting there reading over the letter we were going to give to J., L. & a friend John from the convention walked by on their way to the bar & I summoned them over & greeted them.
10. AFTER THEY HAD GONE INTO THE BAR THEY CAME OUT & SAT DOWN WITH US & pretty soon three other fellows joined us, Sol & Vila & Tany, all district sales managers from the convention. They all sat down ready for relaxation & to see who could win the girls for the evening.
11. WELL‚ L. & SUE WERE OBVIOUSLY TOGETHER & I WAS FREE, but I made it known right away that I was waiting for J. But he wasn't there & they were & they felt it was worth a try, of course, & Sol, who was the most outspoken, asked me why I wouldn't just go out with him since J. wasn't there.
12. I REPLIED THAT I WANTED TO BE LOYAL TO MY FRIEND WHOM I HAD MET FIRST & had promised that I would be with him; although I liked them & I liked their company & we were having a good talk & thanks for the invitation. It had turned out that instead of two women having to deal with two men, I now had five that I was trying to talk to at once as Sue was privately talking with L.
13. THE LORD GAVE POWER FOR THE HOUR & EVEN MADE IT FUN, & we talked to them about their country & about their convention & how they were relaxing now & glad it was over & whether they had children, & they fired questions at me that I didn't really answer in detail, but instead I fired questions back at them!
14. SOL KEPT BRINGING UP THE FACT THAT J. WASN'T THERE & why don't we just go out? He was a cute blond-headed Jew, really charming & talkative & smart & told me he didn't have any children or a wife, though I found out later he did.
15. THROUGH THAT WE GOT INTO DISCUSSING LOYALTY TO ONE'S FRIENDS, & at the deepening tone of the conversation they began to get a little fidgety as they obviously weren't used to sitting down with a strange woman to have fun & instead being confronted by their consciences.
16. "GENTLEMAN," I SAID, "IT'S FUN TO TALK WITH YOU & I ENJOY IT‚ but if we would never talk of anything meaningful & worthwhile we would be wasting our time!" I drew them more into the conversation by asking each what they thought loyalty was.
17. SOL CONTINUED TO BE SO PERSISTENT THAT I JOKED THAT HE WAS SO CUTE & PERSUASIVE THAT HE WAS ALMOST IRRESISTIBLE & he was weakening my resolve! And in fact, at that point he would have been my second choice after J., if the Lord hadn't shown me someone else so surprisingly!
18. AFTER WE'D BEEN TALKING ABOUT WHY J. HADN'T SHOWN UP, Tany left & apparently went to his room which he had shared with J. & found that J. had left, taken all his clothes & even the key was gone! I'd been stood up!
19. WELL, THAT WAS QUITE A SHOCK TO SAY THE LEAST WHEN HE'D PROMISED TO BE RIGHT BACK; in fact‚ he didn't even have a flight out until the next morning. So I joked that he must have really been afraid of me to skip out like that without even saying goodbye! But I realised that he must have been having a real battle in the Spirit & we'd really gotten through to him or he wouldn't have taken that kind of drastic action to get away from me.
20. AT THAT POINT, DAD WAS WANTING TO LEAVE THE RESTAURANT but couldn't get past the boys without L. seeing him, who'd already asked where "Grandfather" was, so we figured we had to move the boys to a different situation than right outside the dining room door.
21. I MADE A DEAL WITH SOL THAT‚ "NO, I DIDN'T WANT TO GO UPSTAIRS TO BED WITH HIM & if he didn't want to go off to bed by himself & since we weren't going home, then why don't we all just go into either the bar or the Club which I hadn't been in before & we could go in there & get a drink at the bar."
22. SO I ASKED SUE TO TAKE THEM IN THERE & I PROMISED I'D BE BACK SOON but that I just wanted to go up with Tany to look at the room & see if J. really had flown the coop; I could hardly believe it! On the way up to his room, Tany said, "Don't you want to go to bed with me?" or something to that effect‚ & I said, "No‚ Tany, I hope you understand that I have no ulterior motives in coming up here & I really just want to look at the room & see if J. really did leave."
23. I KNEW, OF COURSE, THAT THE MEN WOULD HAVE NO ALTERNATIVE than to think that of course if I was going up to a perfect stranger's room I would not just be doing it to look around! But I told them I'd be right back, expecting, of course, that I would be.
24. HE WAS A GENTLEMAN & INVITED ME IN TO LOOK. I felt sorry for him 'cause I knew he wanted me to stay, & I gave him a little kiss on the mouth, but then we immediately left the room. He was planning to stay there but instead decided to escort me back down.
25. WE CONVERSED ON OUR WAY UP & DOWN IN THE ELEVATOR & I remarked that he must have to travel a lot & he said, "Constantly, only home on the weekends." I said, "That must be difficult for you, as well as your wife & children." He made some vague comment & I continued, "But if she's really a good wife I guess she'll stick with you no matter what!" He replied, "Well, that's sort of the problem, but I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to get into that"—& at that point we were almost downstairs where we were supposed to go back to the others who were now in the disco.
26. BUT WHEN TANY MENTIONED THAT HE HAD A LOT OF PROBLEMS & that he had to get them sorted out himself but he didn't want to talk about them, I immediately went on the attack! If there was a cry for help I wanted to answer it. Where there were a man's problems there must be God's answers! I said, "Well‚ I really would like to talk about your problems. I wish you'd tell me about them. I'm interested!" And he protested, "No, no, no. It's a long story & I don't want to talk about them."
27. I THINK IT STARTED WHEN I ASKED HIM WHAT HE WAS GOING TO DO NOW & he replied, "Well, I'm going to go up to my room & probably get drunk." And I said, "But why do you have to do that? You're going home to your wife tomorrow & everything will be fine." And he said, "No‚ it's a long story. I get drunk about every night."
28. I PERSISTED, "LISTEN, TELL ME ABOUT IT, WOULD YOU? I want to talk to you about it." And so he was very reluctant & wanted to leave but I took him by the hand & said, "Now come on‚ let's go into the lounge & just sit down a little while & you tell me about it."
29. SO HE QUITE RELUCTANTLY CAME IN, PROTESTING THAT THE OTHERS WERE WAITING FOR ME & we sat down in a corner & ordered a drink to which he toasted "cheers" & I "to love." "But Sol is expecting you & you told him you were coming in," he reminded me. I replied, "Sol can just wait, I want to talk to you & you are more important for right now." He was disbelieving that I really wanted to talk to him about it or that I really had a genuine interest, but I said‚
30. "YOU KNOW, ONCE IN AWHILE IT HELPS TO TALK TO SOMEBODY ABOUT IT & you might get a little good advice along the way or good counsel, you know‚ & then you don't have to end up on a psychiatrist's couch, & anyway, a lot of them are pretty quacky & whacky! It's not going to hurt to tell me about it." And I took his hand & we sat in two big chairs beside each other & I curled up facing him, waiting expectantly.
31. "WELL," HE BEGAN, "I USED TO BE VERY RELIGIOUS. Well‚ I don't know, the problem is that ... do you believe a man can love two women at once?" he blurted out. I said, "Yes‚ of course, why not?" And he said, "Well, our society has pretty much different rules & regulations & everything says that you have to love one woman & stick to her, & I am, I have been. I'm 42 & I've lived with my wife about 17 years now & I've really been loyal to her."
32. BUT HE ADDED DESPONDENTLY, "YOU KNOW, I'D FOUND THIS OTHER GIRL & I REALLY LOVE HER & she really loved me but I had to make a choice." I found that it had turned out, of course, the usual way—that his wife had made him make the choice: he could stay with her but he had to cut it off with the other girl or he'd have to leave. And evidently soon after that, he'd just flipped out, in what probably amounted to a nervous breakdown, at which time he had cursed God:
33. "NOW THIS IS GOING TO SHOCK YOU IF YOU'RE AT ALL RELIGIOUS, BUT I DAMNED GOD & I CURSED GOD & I called Him all kinds of names & I told Him that if there really was a God & if He really did exist & there was a Jesus, to just bump me off & kill me! Nothing happened so I don't believe in Him any more.
34. "I CRIED & PRAYED TO GOD AT THAT TIME WHEN GOING THROUGH THAT EXPERIENCE & I really poured out my heart & really cried & cried to God to help me & do something about it & nothing happened, so therefore I just couldn't any longer believe that there was a God or there was a Jesus! Before this I'd been pretty religious & I had even joined the Church Board. I didn't really want to be on it but they sort of persuaded me into it because there wasn't anybody else to do the job.
35. "BUT I SAW THESE HYPOCRITES THAT SAY, 'OH‚ I WAS HEALED FROM THIS OR THAT' & THEN THEY GO THE NEXT DAY & ACT JUST LIKE HELL! There were so many hypocrites." Well, I had to point out that that was really sad & unfortunately true, but it wasn't God's fault. Maybe they were bad rebellious children that though they had joined God's Family & received Jesus, they were rebelling & deciding "to hell with it" & going their own way. On the other hand, there were probably some that had never been in the Family & hadn't received Jesus, but both were a very big reproach to His cause because of the fact that they call themselves Christians & Church members.
36. HE'D HAD RELIGIOUS & GOOD PARENTS WHO HAD BROUGHT HIM UP TO GO TO SUNDAY SCHOOL & CHURCH, & even now his wife & he & the children go to church & Sunday School every Sunday. But he'd had many disillusionments & disappointments in people & experiences & so-called unanswered prayers. I told him, "Look‚ just because God didn't strike you dead when you asked Him to doesn't mean He doesn't exist!"
37. I SAID, "MAYBE HE JUST WANTED TO SAVE YOU FOR SOMETHING MORE & keep you around a little while longer. Maybe He was saving you for this night to talk to me. God always answers our prayers: sometimes He says 'yes', sometimes He says 'no', sometimes He says 'wait'. You don't really believe that there isn't a Jesus & there isn't a God. You're sincerely trying to, but I don't really think you do. Only the fool hath said in his heart there is no God—& you're no fool!"
38. I THINK HE FELT BECAUSE HE'D DAMNED CHRIST THAT THERE WAS NO MORE HOPE OR HELP FOR HIM & HE WAS DOOMED TO ETERNAL DAMNATION, although he didn't bring that point out, but I think that was the problem. So I told him about how, like children in a Family, God may have a little extra place in His heart for the good children because they try harder & they're submissive to His will & they try to please Him. But the others who go their own way & are rebellious & stray sheep‚ well, God even goes out of His way to reach them like with the ninety–&-nine, the one little lost sheep, & like the Prodigal Son, & that the Lord really does love them.
39. AND JUST LIKE PARENTS TRY TO GO THE EXTRA MILE TO HELP THE PROBLEM CASES, that God has a special love in His heart for them too & that once we're in the Family we're always in the Family. Even if your children try to disown you, they can't, you've still got them, they're still in the family, so just because he tried to disown God or even if he thought God had disowned him, it just wasn't so. All this conversation took place in the lounge area.
40. WELL, THEN HE STARTED GETTING OFF INTO OTHER LESS RELATED QUESTIONS TO GET AWAY FROM BEING SO PERSONALLY CONVICTED, why is there so much suffering, etc., & I told him, "It's because it's people's choice, they chose it that way & that the Devil now has control of the World, but God's justice will reign shortly." And other different questions so that we started getting off the track a little bit, so I got back on to his personal problems.
41. BUT AFTER I'D LISTENED TO HIM A LONG TIME, I BEGAN TO BE CONVINCED THAT PERHAPS HE NEVER HAD RECEIVED JESUS BEFORE. I said, "Tany, did you ever really ask Jesus into your heart?" He said, "Yes, about four years ago." And I said, "That wasn't very long ago." And he said, "Well‚ when I was about 20 I was almost an alcoholic & one time I just decided to stop & I stopped it & then I met my wife & started to go to church & everything. I don't believe these people that just say‚ 'OK‚ on September l8, 1968, I received Jesus,' & then they go out & live like Hell! I just don't believe it. I don't believe you can put a date on it like that & a time."
42. AND I SAID, "YOU'RE WRONG ABOUT THE TIME, BECAUSE YOU CAN PUT A TIME ON IT. And as far as them going out & living as they please, well, that's not God's fault if they join God's Family & then decide to be disobedient & rebellious. If they can give you a specific day & time‚ I would be inclined to believe that they actually did receive Jesus, they did join His Family, since it is a definite decision you make at a definite time when you receive Jesus." I said, "Can you remember any special time you really asked Him in?" He said‚ "Well, lots of times I've asked & asked & asked, & I've knocked & knocked & nothing happened."
43. SO I BEGAN TO GET THE POINT THAT IT WASN'T THAT HE WAS A WAYWARD SON, SO MUCH AS THAT HE JUST NEVER REALLY BECAME A SON AT ALL, & that seemed to be the problem—that even though he'd knocked, he hadn't accepted by faith because he hadn't believed that when Jesus said He would come in, He would, right then & there. So I said, "Tany‚ I've talked with you quite awhile now & I really think the main problem is that you never really did do that, you never really did accept Jesus. You asked but you didn't believe what Jesus said‚ that, 'Behold, I stand at the door & knock, if any man hear My voice & open the door I will come into him,' right now.
44. "BECAUSE IT SAYS, 'IF ANY MAN BE IN CHRIST HE IS A NEW CREATURE; old things are passed away, behold all things are become new.' I really don't think maybe you've ever done that. Would you like to do that right now? Why don't you say that with me? Why don't you invite Jesus to come in right now?"
45. HE SAID, "NO, NO, NO. I DON'T EVEN BELIEVE THERE IS A JESUS OR A GOD! AND IF SO, HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT ME!" I said, "Listen, I don't believe that you don't believe there is a Jesus or a God, but anyway, why don't you say‚ 'OK, God, if there is a God & if there is a Jesus, come into my heart & give me new life & forgive me for my rebellions against You.'
46. "I REALLY KNOW THAT GOD LOVES YOU & I KNOW THAT HE HASN'T GIVEN UP ON YOU BECAUSE THAT'S WHY I'M HERE TONIGHT. I'm here as a representative of His Love. Maybe you had to go through all these things to get to the point of desperation, to the point where we are tonight that you'll listen to me & that it's through me that you'll see that God does love you & He does care for you. Because it's difficult to understand God's Love unless you can see it in human form. And if you'll accept Jesus & His Love, things will start getting straightened out. It's not God's fault you're involved in this situation."
47. TO GO BACK TO WHERE WE TALKED ABOUT HIS WIFE & HIS GIRLFRIEND & IF A MAN CAN LOVE TWO WIVES, I said, "If your wife can only have you on the weekends & you have to be on the road the rest of the time, she shouldn't prohibit you from having someone to help you‚ to care for you & care for your needs when she can't be there. That's selfishness & she doesn't really love you unselfishly if that's true."
48. AND HE SAID, "WELL‚ SHE DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS KIND OF LIFE WHEN SHE MARRIED ME, & she didn't ask to stay home." I said, "Well, she did in a way‚ because she agreed for better or for worse, or for whatever unknown future it was, she accepted it. She didn't know what the situation was going to be but she accepted it to be whatever it would be with you & so therefore she did ask for it in a way‚ & if she had real love for you, real unselfish love (I understand that's difficult for women to have & most people are jealous) she would prefer your happiness above her own."
49. AND THEN HE SAID, "BOY, I WISH I WOULD HAVE MARRIED YOU! You're really understanding & I wish I could have lived with you!" And so I said‚ "Well, I might have been jealous too, but that's the idea & that's God's way & that's the way it should be & God can give a woman a supernatural power that can help her to have that much love."
50. AND THEN IT SORT OF CAME OUT THAT THE OTHER WOMAN DIDN'T REALLY WANT TO SHARE WITH THE WIFE EITHER! So I said, "Then they're both at fault, they're both selfish & they both need to share you, & so therefore it's the fault of both of them & it's not God's fault, don't blame it on Him."
51. I HAD TO BRING OUT THAT INSTEAD OF MURMURING & COMPLAINING ABOUT ALL THE BAD THINGS THAT HAD HAPPENED IN HIS LIFE he should thank God for the love he did have & the other woman; even though it was a short time they were together‚ evidently he loved her & she loved him & he had had a good love, & that it was better to have loved & lost than to never have loved at all. He had beautiful children, three daughters that he loved, & I tried to make him see that there have been a lot of good things in his life & he should appreciate those instead of murmuring about the hardships.
52. SO IT WAS GETTING PRETTY HEAVY FOR HIM & REALLY WE'D SAID ABOUT AS MUCH AS WE COULD ON THAT & he was still sort of on that kick about, well, he didn't believe in God & didn't believe in Jesus. That's the one thing I laughed at him about & said‚ "Well, I know you're trying not to believe‚ but I can't believe that you really don't. "Only a fool hath said in his heart, There is no God." Anyway, I'm here to show you that He does love & care about you & He is real!"
53. SO WE CAME TO ABOUT THE END RIGHT THERE & I didn't know what else to say & we'd pretty much covered everything as we sat there in the lounge. So all of a sudden Sue came in & said that Sol, the man I had promised to meet, had come in & out & really been sort of down in the dumps that I hadn't come in when I'd promised. So I thought, "Well, I'd better go check on him."
54. IT'S MUCH MUCH BETTER TO BE ABLE TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE AT A TIME without having to divide your time & attention, but in this case I'd virtually promised to see Sol before I'd even gotten involved with Tany, so I felt obligated to carry it through.
55. IN THE MEANTIME I HAD THE IDEA‚ I'M SURE FROM THE LORD, TO GIVE TANY THE LETTER I'D WRITTEN TO J. & would have given him if he hadn't run away. So I pulled out that letter & I said, "Tany, would you read this? This is a letter that I wrote J. today after I'd seen him last night & I really would like you to read it."
56. HE SAID, "OH, I DON'T WANT TO READ IT, I DON'T LIKE TO READ PERSONAL LETTERS‚" ETC. So I said, "Well‚ please do it," & he flat out refused it. "Please do it for me. Just read it, just stay here while I go & check on the others & read it." He finally reluctantly promised to & I left him with my sweater & the letter & this is what he read; mostly compiled excerpts taken directly from the Daily Might.
Dear J.:24 October 1981
57. I WANTED TO WRITE TO REMIND YOU THAT THE BEAUTIFUL LITTLE TIME WE HAD TOGETHER LAST NIGHT WAS NOT A DREAM!—It was real!—& Love is real! I wish I could have showed you more fully & given you all you needed! I wanted to, if time had permitted. But I was proud of you that even though the physical part was important to you, it was secondary to the love of the Spirit.
58. I WANTED TO LIE IN YOUR ARMS & SHOW YOU THAT I LOVE ALL OF YOU‚ NOT ONLY YOUR SPIRIT. You have beautiful sweet gentle kisses—like the tender sensitive man you are. My heart aches for you, that your heart is broken & I pray for its healing through love. My wish for you is that through your former sad dark experiences you will become even sweeter, humbler, more merciful & understanding of others, more able to know what you really need, & more able to be used by your Creator.
59. THAT FROM THE ASHES OF DEFEAT MAY RISE THE PHOENIX OF VICTORY, that you may appreciate the joy after having known the pain‚ the sunlight after having been in darkness, the hope after having known despair, the faith after having disbelieved ... you'll find that He'll be better than all your hopes & better than all your fears, & He'll make a bridge of your broken dreams & a rainbow of your tears.
60. THE SECRET IS IN KNOWING LOVE EXISTS & RECEIVING IT AS A FREE GIFT.—Not only for your own happiness, but in order to make others happy also. For only in seeking to make others happy can you find real happiness yourself. And only with Jesus, Who is the Love of God, can it work.
61. ALFIE SAID LAST NIGHT THAT YOU WERE MY LITTLE SHEEP!—Then I must be your Shepherdess & you must follow where I lead you & trust me that what I have told you is true & works & is the Answer.
62. DON'T WORRY THAT YOU'RE TOO BAD, J.—WE'RE ALL TOO BAD, but when we know we're bad, then there's hope for us because we can ask for His goodness & His Love to take us over & Love through us. The Bible says no good thing dwelleth in us, but that when we receive Love—Jesus—we become new creatures & old things are passed away & all things become new. Jesus is the Son that brightens up our lives when we leave our old gloomy life behind.
63. GOD CAN WORK THINGS OUT.—HE CAN HANDLE ANY LOAD YOU WANT TO GIVE HIM!—Both barrels!—God is going to carry you through. He has begun a good work in you, & He's going to complete it to the end. (Ph.1:6.)—Rest your case with Him! He never fails, & if you truly trust Him, He'll see you through.—So don't give up!
64. "FORGET THOSE THINGS WHICH ARE BEHIND, & REACH FORWARD TO THE THINGS WHICH ARE BEFORE!" God always has a reason & nothing happens by accident to one of His children! I have found in my own life & that of others, that He always has a purpose for things, although it is not always revealed immediately!—Everything is in His hands. Nothing happens without His will, especially to His child whom He loves & to whom He wants to be good & take care of.—But God's ways are not our ways & His thoughts are not our thoughts (Is.55:8), & He often works in a very mysterious way the wonders of His love to perform!—& so often contrary to our natural expectations & desires!
65. DEAR J., EVERY ONE OF US IS A MESS‚ & if we don't keep our eyes on the Lord & our mind on His Word we're doomed to defeat, doubt, disillusionment & final failure!—When Peter was walking on the water & started looking at himself—he started to sink! It was no use! You have to keep your eyes on Jesus!—He's the only One that can keep you from falling! Hold on to His hand‚ & don't look at the waves—keep your eyes on Jesus!
66. BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF! We must not only glory in our successes, but also be willing to confess our mistakes & attempt to rectify them.—But, as they say, the hardest words in any language are: "I was wrong."—And the hardest one to confess your faults to is yourself! We hate even to admit to ourselves our own mistakes, sins & shortcomings, it is sometimes so discouraging, humbling & humiliating, but we'll never get anywhere until we face the facts honestly & confess. "He that covereth his sin shall never prosper." (Pro.28:13.)
67. ANOTHER REASON WHY WE REALLY NEED TO CONFESS OUR SINS, IS BECAUSE IT REALLY HELPS KEEP US HUMBLE! It helps you to be honest with yourself & with others & with the Lord.—This takes humility of the kind only God can give.—Because it's just the inborn sinful nature of man to want the glory & so be unable to confess.
68. SO MAY GOD HELP US ALL TO BE HONEST WITH OURSELVES, OTHERS & GOD! As Shakespeare said, "If thou canst to thine own self be true‚ thou canst not be false to any man!"
69. THE ONLY LOVE THAT WON'T LET YOU GO IS JESUS' LOVE. If you are His & He is yours, He'll never fail you, He'll never forsake you, He'll never leave you alone. He wants you to be happy! I don't have a sad God!—I have a happy God, Who wants me to be happy too, & you as well! This is the whole point of it all, to relieve us of the suffering, pain, death & tears brought into the World by the Devil & the sins of man.
70. GOD IS NOT A MONSTER WHO'S TRYING TO DENY YOU EVERYTHING & MAKE YOU MISERABLE, but He loves life & created it for you to love & enjoy!—He made it all for you to enjoy. It's good, not bad!—He has made this beautiful World as a home for you, His child, to live in & enjoy! He has lovingly given you a wonderful body, mind & heart with which to enjoy it & others.
71. HE WANTS TO HELP & MAKE YOU HAPPY WITH HIS LOVE, & HELP YOU TO MAKE OTHERS HAPPY TOO—with both His Love & your love!—This is our main purpose in life, to love God & enjoy Him forever, & to try to help others to do the same!
Love wasn't put in your heart to stay!—
Love isn't love until you give it away!
72. WHAT EVERYBODY NEEDS IS LOVE: Love they have never known before, true love, sincere love, genuine love, the truly great Love of their life‚ the Love of all loves, of the Lover of all lovers‚ who alone can satisfy that deepest yearning of every human soul for total love & complete understanding—that deep hunger in the heart of man for his Creator!
73. THE HEART OF MAN IS THE SAME THE WORLD OVER! His longings, loves, hunger for God & His Truth, for joy & happiness & peace of mind are God-created & the same in men the World over!—You'll never be happy with a heavy heart, a troubled mind, a discouraged spirit & an unsaved soul.—The human soul can never be completely satisfied with anything but utter union with the great & loving Spirit that created it. As I said above, flesh can satisfy flesh, but only Spirit can satisfy spirit.
74. IF YOU WANT THE KEY TO EVERY HEART—TRY LOVE!—IT NEVER FAILS, because God is Love, & it's impossible for Him to fail! "Ah, sweet mystery of life, at last I have found thee! Ah, at last I've found the reason for it all! Ah, 'tis love & love alone the whole World yearns for!"
75. GOD IS THE VERY SPIRIT OF LOVE IN YOUR HEART! If you've invited Him in, He's inside of you—so close. He is Love!—His power is there whenever you ask for it!—"If I'm up in Heaven, Thou art there! If I descend into the depths of Hell, Thou art there! Wherever I am, Thou art with me! I can never depart from Thy Spirit!" (Ps.139:7-12.)
76. SO STEP OUT BY FAITH & TALK TO SOMEONE TODAY ABOUT LOVE & TRY TO MAKE THEM HAPPY! There are wonders of love that you yourself can enjoy along with some other lonely soul—if you will only try! If you give love, you'll get love!—It multiplies & grows like the bread & the fish & the cruse of oil & the barrel of meal! The more you give, the more you get, & you give & give & give, & you get & get & get! (Mt.14:15-21; 1Kg.17:11-16; 2Kg.4:2-6.)
77. SO MANY PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS SEEKING GENUINE LOVE, BUT SELDOM‚ IF EVER, FINDING IT.—Only God & His eternal love can ever fill that aching spiritual void in your heart which He created for Himself alone!—It's what you've been searching for all your life & what you need desperately.
78. YOU CAN ALWAYS DROP A LITTLE LOVE INTO THE HEARTS OF THOSE YOU PASS BY, even if only with a word, a smile, or a look of sympathy, & they will know that God has loved them that day! His Spirit will tell them so!—A little bit of love goes such a long way!
79. YOU IN TURN CAN DROP THAT LITTLE SEED OF THE TRUTH OF GOD'S WORD INTO THAT EMPTY HOLE OF AN EMPTY HEART, then cover it up with the loving warmth of God's love, & trust God's Spirit, God's great warm loving sunshine of His love & the water of His Word to bring forth the miracle of new life! It may seem only a tiny little bud at first, just one insignificant little green shoot. What is that to the forest that's needed? Well, it's a beginning. It's the beginning of the miracle of new life!
80. JESUS SAID THE FIRST & GREATEST COMMANDMENT IS TO LOVE—to "love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, & with all thy soul, & with all thy mind ... & the second is like unto it," it's almost equal—almost the same, "thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.—On these two commandments hang all the law & the prophets."
81. "FOR ALL THE LAW IS FULFILLED IN ONE WORD, EVEN THIS: THOU SHALT LOVE."—"No greater love hath any man than this: that a man lay down his life for his friends!" This is love, real love, true love—supernatural love, divine love‚ God's love, more than human!—Against this pure love, the unselfish sacrificial love of God & your fellow man, there is no law!
82. IT'S NEVER TOO LATE FOR LOVE! The simple love of God & each other can solve all of our problems!—His love is the answer to everything: It saves souls, forgives sins, satisfies hearts, purifies minds, redeems bodies, wins friends, & makes life worth living.—It can survive almost any difficulty‚ difference, weakness, shortcoming, failure, fault, sin or obstacle.—It's the only Truth, the only Way & the only Peace! All you have to do is ask Him for it, J.!
83. LOVE EVEN HAS CREATIVE POWER, because God is Love & He is the Creator!—His love can change wrecks of lives into wonderful, productive, happy, warm, glowing sons & daughters of His.
84. LOVE KNOWS NO HOURS NOR DAYS—BUT IS ALWAYS! Love is always! For love is God, & God is always! It's like a stream, a river that just keeps flowing, no matter what, because of the Dew of Heaven—Jesus! J., I hope you can soon say,
"Ah, Love, I've found you at last!
In my heart is a song!
I dreamed of love in the past—
I have waited for you so long!
Ah, Love everlasting,
At last I've found thee!"
I love you, J., & want you to be truly happy.
85. I WENT OFF TO CHECK ON SOL & HE HAD JUST LEFT THE DISCO FOR THE LAST TIME & GONE TO HIS ROOM. I started to phone him & then I thought, "I'd better go up to his room & check on him." So I got up there, I knocked on the door & this man I'd never seen before stuck his head out the door. It was pitch black inside & he was naked & he said, "Yes?" And I said, "May I speak to Sol, please?" He opened the door & I groped my way in the darkness to the voice that came from the bed, "What's going on here?" he said. "Well Sol, I came to apologise."
86. SOL WAS COMPLETELY IN BED FOR THE NIGHT & I SAID, "I CAME TO APOLOGISE & I'M REALLY SORRY, but I got talking to Tany & I just got involved & I wasn't able to get away. I'm so sorry that you had to come up here & go to bed without my seeing you. Why don't you come back down & join us down there?" And he said, "Why don't you just stay here for a little while & sit down." So he pulled me down on the bed & I said‚ "Well, no‚ I really promised them, I have to go down." And he said, "Oh, no you don't, come on, stay here."
87. HE GOT UP STARK NAKED & PULLED ME OUT INTO THE HALL of their little room outside the bathroom & he started kissing me. I guess he didn't want to do anything in front of his roommate. I had all my clothes on & I kissed him a little bit but I said, "Sol, I can't, I really have to go." And he said‚ "Oh yes you can." And he's a real salesman, real persuasive, he said, "Come on."
88. AND I MEAN‚ IN A WAY HE WAS RIGHT, because there wasn't much use in going down to that blaring music & all that where you can't even talk; if we were going to do something, we might as well do it right now instead of just wasting time in a crowded smoke-filled disco, so he was right about that. But I really said‚ "Sol, I just can't; I just don't go around making love with every man I meet & I really have a conviction that unless we've talked a little together & gotten to know each other a little I don't just want to jump in bed with you.
89. "TO ME THE SPIRITUAL & THE EMOTIONAL IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE PHYSICAL. I know right here in your bedroom that the physical is pretty important right now to you, but they're waiting for me, & making love is a very important act in my life & I don't do it lightly, I'm really sorry." I patted his face & said, "I really like you, you're really sweet & you're cute & you're likeable, I do like you. You'd make a good big brother." And he said, "Aw‚ come on!" I said, "No, really. Please don't be offended, you won't be offended‚ will you?"
90. HE KEPT TRYING TO PERSUADE ME BUT FINALLY HE SAID, NO, HE WOULDN'T BE OFFENDED & he said he liked me too & he smiled, I kissed his cheek & we amicably parted with his penis sticking straight out & him standing there naked. I really felt bad & if I hadn't felt Tany was more important & the Lord had in such a surprising spur of the moment way gotten me involved with Tany, I would have certainly stayed there & helped him out anyway, just because he was in need. And I do pray for him now to find real true love. Tany told me later that Sol was a good friend of his, & although not religious was looking for something in life.
91. TANY ALSO TOLD ME LATER THAT SOL TOLD HIM WHEN WE WERE STILL DOWN IN THE LOUNGE ALL TOGETHER THAT I WAS HIS (SOL'S) GIRL FOR THE NIGHT. Though he had wanted to persuade me to stay when I went up to check on J. with him, he didn't because Sol had already claimed me & Tany was loyal to his friends.
92. AFTER LEAVING SOL'S ROOM, I WENT BACK DOWNSTAIRS TO LOOK FOR TANY IN THE LOUNGE but he'd evidently already finished reading the letter & gone into the disco. I went into the ladies' room & took my hair down as Dad had asked me to earlier that night & as also Tany had suggested when we were talking in the lounge‚ & from there I went into the disco probably very obviously looking like I had just been in bed with Sol, which was, of course, almost the only conclusion that a man could come to if you'd just been in another man's bedroom & gone for 30 or 40 minutes arriving back with your hair down.
93. SO I FELT I OWED TANY AN EXPLANATION SEEING I WAS TRYING TO WOO & WIN HIS HEART. Therefore I asked him to sit down with me & we got a drink (only orange juice for me, thanks!) & I explained to him exactly what I had done in Sol's room & what I had said to him & what he had said to me & a full report of exactly what we did, by this indicating that I just didn't go to bed with every man that came along. Meanwhile, I asked Sue to please phone home & report how we were doing.
94. IN THE MIDDLE OF MY CONVERSATION WITH TANY ONE OF THE MEN WHO HAD BEEN SITTING WITH US IN THE BEGINNING OF THE EVENING IN THE LOUNGE ASKED ME TO DANCE, & feeling rather selfish since there were so many lonely men around I asked Tany to excuse me & danced two dances with this particular man, Vila. Even one dance means so much & is a way of showing love. When I returned, Sue came up asking my counsel about her going to L.'s room since he'd asked already several times that evening & the atmosphere of the disco was not conducive to much or any kind of sharing & the hour was already very late, almost 12:30‚ the men were very tired & whatever we were going to do we had to decide now & do it.
95. SO I TURNED TO TANY & ASKED HIM WHAT HIS ROOM NUMBER WAS (the first concrete indication he'd had that I might do more than talk) & in front of Tany told Sue that I would be either in the disco, in the lounge or in Tany's room & that we should exchange room numbers. She would give me L.'s room number & I'd give her Tany's room number; therefore we'd know how to contact each other. This was what Tany needed to give him some new hope & I'm sure he was very happy to hear that.
96. HE HAD LOOKED AT ME A LITTLE STRANGELY WHEN I HAD RETURNED, HAVING JUST READ MY LETTER TO J. WITH ITS HARD-SELL SERMON on what real true love was‚ & here I'd been trying to explain real love to him but then I'd also been up in Sol's bedroom & I'm sure that he couldn't figure me out! I felt sorry for him because I knew the poor man was very confused, wanting to believe, but I was making it‚ in a way, very difficult for him & I realised that we needed to do something right away.
97. I EXCUSED MYSELF ONCE AGAIN & ASKED TWO OR THREE OF THE OTHER MEN that had been sitting with us in the beginning of the evening who were standing around lonely with their drinks if they wished to dance, but the music was so bombastic & these were older mature men who didn't particularly want to jitterbug. There was absolutely no romantic sweet soft music on all evening & they declined graciously.
98. THEREFORE I SAID GOODNIGHT TO THEM NICELY & I ASKED TANY IF HE'D LIKE TO GO UP TO HIS ROOM & we could talk more quietly there & dance a little bit. He was quiet on the way up to his room & when we got into the room it was quite cold & I asked him to please call Sue in L.'s room & tell her that I was going to come down & get my sweaters. But after having run down two flights of steps & back up again I was all warmed up & didn't need them anyway. TTL!
99. SO I ASKED HIM TO TURN ON SOME NICE SOFT ROMANTIC MUSIC & I TOOK MY CANDLE OUT OF MY PURSE that we carry along for dinnertime, explaining to Tany that we always carried a candle with us for giving us extra light at dinnertime to read by when they dim the restaurant lights. Poor man, I bet he had a hard time believing me.
100. I LIT THE CANDLE & TURNED OUT THE OTHER LIGHTS, got out some Kleenex, put on my perfume & we started to dance a little bit. I have to give him a lot of credit for going slowly & being very tender & gentle & loving & sweet & not being pushy in trying to get what, of course, all men are after, after having gone all week without any woman or any sex.
101. WE DANCED A LITTLE BIT & HE KISSED ME TENDERLY A COUPLE OF TIMES & held me close & I put my head on his shoulder or on his chest. Very tenderly he unzipped my dress & his hands caressed my back, but other than that we remained fully clothed for a little while.
102. A SONG CAME ON THE RADIO, SOMETHING ABOUT "WHY DO WE HAVE TO CRY & WONDER WHY" & I said gently, "Tany, I cry for you." He said‚ "Don't! You don't even know me, you can't." I said, "Oh‚ but I do‚ because I care about you & I love you." And he said, "You can't love me, you don't even know me. You've just met me." I said, "Oh, but I do because God loves you & He cares about you." He was silent awhile thinking about what I'd said, & I think he was close to tears when I told him, I cry for you.
103. WE DANCED FOR A LITTLE WHILE LONGER & THEN HE SAID, "YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ME‚ we just met, you're going to leave & I'll never see you again," so in other words, why bother? And I replied, "Tany, even if you never see me again we'll always remember this night & because we're together like this you'll become a little part of me & I'll become a little part of you & that will last forever."
104. WE CARESSED A LITTLE MORE & I PATTED HIS PENIS AFFECTIONATELY & he said, "Well, it may be a little small, but it's there!" And I said, "Well, really it's not that important to me whether you have one or you don't‚ that's not really what it's all about, although it's nice & it helps & I'm sure it's very important to you, but love is what is most important."
105. I SAID, "ANYWAY TANY, I'M ON MY PERIOD & I CAN'T FUCK YOU. That's one of the few no-no's of my religion, but I'll be glad to suck you. Have you washed recently?" He assured me he had & I went to the bathroom & there decided I'd just undress. In the meantime he undressed in the bedroom & lay down on the bed.
106. I CAME OUT WITH JUST MY PANTIES ON & HE MADE SOME COMPLIMENTARY REMARK ABOUT HOW PRETTY I WAS. I lay down with him & he was very slow & gentle but confident & not shy or ashamed but was very sweet & gentle & not rushing. He showed his appreciation for me with sweet remarks about how pretty I was & "cute little titties‚" etc., all very sincerely.
107. HE TRIED TO HELP ME WITH HIS HAND & I SAID, "THANK YOU, THAT'S NICE, but at the risk of offending your male ego I didn't really come here to get anything out of this. I like it, but I know you're really tired, so why don't you just relax & let me make you feel good." I told him, "If you try to do anything for me down here I'd like you to wash your hands with this cologne for the sake of cleanliness before we continue caressing each other."
108. HE ASKED ME IF I COULDN'T TAKE MY PANTIES OFF & I went & got a towel & put it down on the bed & lay on that so as not to take any chance on soiling the bed. I was sorry I hadn't thought to bring powder & also my little tape recorder with our MWM Love Music which would have been just beautiful, because soon after some of the pretty music we had on the radio, the announcements came on & he switched the radio off. But maybe he really needed to concentrate without being distracted even by music.
109. WE CONTINUED TO LOVE EACH OTHER & HE SUCKED MY BREASTS & GENTLY CARESSED ME & I kissed him & he'd stop every few minutes, still trying to really figure out what was going on. On one hand he was trying to believe I was sincere & real, & on the other hand he was questioning & confused. He said, "I'm really trying to figure it out. You won't tell me anything about yourself." He'd asked where I lived & where I was from & what my religion was, but I'd passed over the answers very briefly & stuck mostly to trying to ask him questions & get his answers.
110. SO I SAID, "WELL LISTEN, IN THIS CASE IT'S MORE IMPORTANT FOR ME TO ASK YOU QUESTIONS & GET YOUR ANSWERS than it is even for you to ask me questions & get mine." Then Sol who was a good friend of his somehow came up in the conversation. I said, "I felt that being with you tonight was much more important than being with Sol, although I like Sol, he's sweet & cute & charming & he had a physical need & I was sorry I couldn't help him.
111. "BUT I HAD TO MAKE A CHOICE BETWEEN YOU & I REALLY FELT THAT YOU WERE DEPENDABLE & you were trustworthy & you really do try to be honest & you try to be loyal & I just felt like I needed to be with you tonight, that you had a greater need than Sol did." And he said, "Thanks." I said, "You know how we discussed before that part of love is being needed. I thought that you needed me & I also needed you‚ because I need to be needed."
112. AFTER AWHILE HE SAID, "BUT I JUST CAN'T FIGURE YOU OUT, WHAT YOUR ANGLE IS. I've been burned a lot of times in my life & I've been disillusioned. I've been travelling a lot for the past few years & I've either been with girls whom I've had time to get to know & like & then we've been together intimately‚ or I've been with a lot of other girls for just a one-night stand, that before anything could happen they'd stuck out their hand & asked for the money. But you're not either of these & you haven't done any of this & I just don't know what to think!" "No Tany," I said, "I'm not asking for any payment: I'm with you because I love you."
113. WE CONTINUED TO LOVE EACH OTHER & LOOK INTO EACH OTHER'S EYES, I loving him with mine & he searching mine with his, & I continued to tell him that I loved him, he still trying to deny it‚ & then as we went further in our lovemaking I started to suck him, to which he responded appreciatively & finally went, he also helping me with his hand. Afterwards, though, he was going to take a shower, but I suggested that he just wash his hands & come back & lie down together in each other's arm & talk for a little while.
114. I THINK IT MUST HAVE BEEN AFTER I SUCKED HIM & HE FINALLY SAW THAT I REALLY DID CARE ABOUT HIM & that I wasn't trying to get something for myself that he was finally convinced, & when I again said, "I love you, Tany." he responded with "I know."—And that to me was really a victory won for the Lord: that he believed that I loved him, & therefore if he believed that I loved him‚ then he had to believe that God was loving him through me.
115. HIS NEXT RESPONSE WHEN I REPEATED "I LOVE YOU, TANY," WAS "I LOVE YOU‚ TOO." And for a man as sincere & as honest as I believe Tany is, that was for him a real step & I know he really said it sincerely. He had come to the conclusion that I could have come to love him in the space of just a few minutes & therefore it must be supernatural, or in other words, God's love. He had even felt in his heart a love for me‚ & therefore a love for God, because at some time in the conversation he finally said, "I think He must be up there somewhere."
116. AFTER HE HAD CLIMAXED HE SAID, "I REALLY NEEDED THAT!" & I responded with‚ "I needed it too. You know, Tany, not only do we need God, but He needs us too." And he said‚ "I never believed in sea mermaids, but I think I do now!" As I looked into his eyes he said, "Are you trying to hypnotise me?" "No Tany, I'm not trying to, I already have, but I bet you wouldn't admit it‚ would you?" He answered with a smile.
117. "TANY," I SAID, "THE ONLY PAYMENT I WANT IS FOR YOU TO BELIEVE THAT I LOVE YOU & TO BELIEVE THAT GOD LOVES YOU, & when you get a chance (maybe not tonight, you're pretty tired, & maybe not even tomorrow) but when you can get quiet & by yourself & when you get a chance, I want you to promise me that you'll say that little prayer & ask Jesus into your heart & confess that you've been rebellious toward Him & ask Him to give you His love & His life. And I promise you that He will if you'll ask Him. He says, 'Him that cometh to Me I will in no wise cast out.' It's a free gift, just like my love."
118. HE WAS SILENT A LITTLE BIT & I SAID, "WOULD YOU PLEASE DO THAT FOR ME? Would you please promise me that, Tany?" And he said, "Yes, I will." And I knew that he was honest & I knew he was telling me the truth & I knew that he really would do it & I felt in that moment that the Lord had gotten a great victory in that man's life when he promised that, that the Devil had been defeated in a hard-fought battle in the Spirit, & that the Lord had triumphed!
119. I THINK HIS ATTITUDE HAD CHANGED ALONG MANY LINES IN THAT SHORT THREE HOURS I SPENT WITH HIM. I think the Lord had helped me to answer so many of his questions & change his mind & attitude about so many things‚ that even though he didn't express a lot of this to me, I felt in the Spirit it was a tremendous victory that had been won. He had learned to look at things God's way. It was almost like his whole life had been changed & that he was ready to really start anew & that his questions had been answered & his faith had been renewed & that even though he didn't quite understand it he was willing to accept it.
120. HE KNEW THAT FROM SOMEWHERE HAD EVEN COME MY INSIGHT INTO HIS PERSONALITY & situation & the answers to some of his questions that even perhaps were on his mind but unspoken, but answered by some of the things I said. We'd discussed earlier about beauty, & I had mentioned that I was glad that I wasn't really beautiful since that kind of beauty has its problems. And he said, "Yes, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. The more I look at you the more beautiful you become. You're very beautiful right now," he had said down in the lounge.
121. WE'D TALKED ABOUT LOOKING INTO PEOPLE'S EYES & THAT THEY'RE THE WINDOWS OF THE SOUL & he had exclaimed how beautiful my eyes were. And we had further discussed that since the eyes are the windows of the soul, what can you see in other people, & he had expressed the belief that he didn't believe that you could tell very much by just a chance meeting by looking at a person's face or by looking into their eyes. I disagreed & said that I believed some people, because of a gift that God had given them, were able to tell certain things about certain people by just looking into their eyes.
122. WELL, HE DISAGREED WITH THIS but then at the end of the evening I think the Lord had helped me to see & understand him well enough that he had even changed his mind on that point. He'd also helped me to truly love him with His great love & that evening I did love him very very much. I had a deep compassion, a pity, a desire to make him happy & to wipe the tears of his heart away & to help him to find the Lover of all lovers.
123. IN THAT MOMENT WHEN YOU'RE GIVING REAL LOVE TO SOMEONE & giving yourself to them in order to show them God's Self & God's Son, you love them so much you feel like you've known them all your life. After all, "It is the Spirit that quickeneth, the flesh profiteth nothing" & if the Spirit brings you together & makes you one‚ then it's not important whether you've known each other a lifetime, an evening or only a moment. The flesh & how long you've been together doesn't have anything to do with it.
124. I ALSO THAT NIGHT FOR MAYBE THE FIRST TIME REALLY EMPATHISED & REALLY BECAME ONE WITH THE PROBLEMS OF THESE POOR LONELY SALESMEN ALWAYS ON THE MOVE—the lonely nights & the drinking in bars for hours at a time, the empty bare rooms—no love, no one to snuggle up to‚ to cuddle & sleep with—worries about marriages going on the rocks & not being home with the children, disillusioned by women they do meet & teased & cheated by them & heartbroken.
125. I REALLY REALISED THEIR LONELY HEARTS & HOW VERY VERY MUCH THEY NEED JESUS‚ the Love that will not let them go & that they can cling to & that will help them to find what they need & find the good women that they need & the companionship that they need & that will comfort them in their loneliness.
126. HE APOLOGISED & SAID THAT HE WAS AFRAID THAT HE HADN'T BEEN A VERY GOOD LOVER because "I was a bit inebriated." But I didn't feel like that at all, I felt such a love for him & that even if he hadn't done a thing it wouldn't have mattered. I wasn't asking anything in return. I said, "You were very sweet & gentle & tender & that's what counts with me. I've enjoyed it very much & I will always remember our sweet time together."
127. HE WAS AGAIN STILL TRYING TO FIGURE THINGS OUT: "You're in Scientology. I'm still trying to figure you out." "No, I just love Love & love Jesus & try to share Him with others. And I know I'll see you again‚ Tany, if not here, then in Heaven. You know, it's coming down to us‚ we're not going up to it. Remember the City coming down from God? And anyway, we'll always be part of one another because of tonight."
128. I TOLD HIM IT WAS TOO BAD I COULDN'T WRITE TO HIM because there were some things I'd really like to share, but he was reluctant to give me an address as he feared problems at home if mail would land in his wife's hands. So I said, "I'll have to just trust Him to teach you what you need to know."
129. BUT LATER I REALLY DID FEEL BURDENED TO TRY TO KEEP UP SOME KIND OF CONTACT WITH HIM & send him some of our priceless wisdom in the form of a Daily Might or some such. So I traced down his last name plus an address where I'll be trying to send him some things to help him in his new life, being careful, of course, not to give him any cause for alarm, nor his wife any cause for fear.
130. I COULD SEE IN HIS FACE THAT HE HAD SUFFERED A LOT & I knew that was one reason the Lord must have brought me to him to comfort him & to give him hope & because he had tried to be good & he had tried to live for God even though he didn't know Him & he really didn't understand Him.
131. IT WAS VERY VERY LATE & HE WAS VERY TIRED after such a very strenuous convention week & being up late at night & the alcohol & the fact that he had to be up again in about three hours to catch an early flight, but I asked, "Can I pray a little prayer for you before I go?"
132. LYING THERE TOGETHER WITH MY ARM AROUND HIM & MY MOUTH NEXT TO HIS EAR I WHISPERED A PRAYER: "Lord Jesus, thank You for this beautiful time we've had together tonight & that we could share love & each become a little part of the other. I thank you for Tany & his life & the way he's been trustworthy & upright in his dealings with others & dependable & he's tried so hard.
133. "NOW LORD, YOU GIVE HIM YOUR POWER & YOUR STRENGTH & YOUR LOVE TO DO AN EVEN BETTER JOB‚ that whereas he's failed so many times by trying to do things in his own strength, that now he will let You do it through him in Your power & Your strength & let You love & live through him. Help him to invite You into his heart & then we know that You'll work things out & he'll be a new creature & things will be different.
134. "HELP HIS WIFE, TOO; HELP HER TO BE MORE LOVING & UNDERSTANDING. We thank You for his beautiful children that he loves so much & the good things that You've given him. Help him to be able to be a good father to the children in the short time he has at home. We pray for his strength; the night is almost gone & he's so very tired & weary, but You give him supernatural strength for the coming day & week.
135. "HELP HIM TO KNOW THAT YOU LOVE HIM & THAT HE'S VERY SPECIAL TO YOU or You wouldn't have sent me along as Thy representative to show him Thy Love. Help him to know that I love him so he can understand that You love him. We know this new life won't be without problems & it won't always be a bed of roses‚ Lord, but You will help him to face each day's challenge with Your love & Your power & a special happiness & peace that You have put in his heart. Bless & keep him now & be with him on his flight tomorrow, in Jesus' name, amen."
136. HE INSISTED THAT HE GET UP & GO WITH ME TO GET A TAXI—"I'd feel terrible if anything happened to you," he said—but I insisted that he stay in bed as he was very very tired. "Don't worry‚ Tany," I said, "nothing will happen to me!—I'm protected! Sue & I are together & we are all right & we know the town & we'll get the taxi & you please go to bed & to sleep."
137. I HELPED HIM TO GET UNDER THE COVERS & TUCKED HIM IN & got him an ashtray as he was insisting on having a cigarette, & took the heavy blanket off his feet & asked him if he'd zip me up. I brushed my hair & said once more goodnight to him & told him that I loved him. Just then Sue & L. knocked at the door & I put a nightlight on for him & kissed him again & left. We got L. back to his room & in bed & we went & called a taxi & got safely home at 2:00 a.m.
138. AT THE BEGINNING OF THE EVENING WHEN I WAS STILL EATING DINNER WITH DAVID, I had made the remark, "I wonder how one man can be worth so much time & so much trouble? When we have a whole World to take care of & our time is so precious & so valuable, how we can take this much time & trouble & this much risk & concern on your part & loss of sleep & risk of disease. Is one person really worth it, one little nobody worth all this time & attention?"—That was after I had realised that J. had left, & David was trying to encourage me to just go on & go out & be with the men for the evening & find someone that really needed me.
139. J. HAD BEEN A DIFFERENT STORY: GOD HAD DEFINITELY DUMPED HIM IN OUR LAPS SUPERNATURALLY & I knew without doubt that I was supposed to follow up on him‚ but he was gone & there were all these men & they were all together & how did I know who‚ if any of them, really needed me that much.
140. SO THE LORD REMINDED ME‚ "WELL, YOU WERE A NOBODY & you still are & all of you are nobodies, but look at the time & care & attention that I've lavished on you & all the love & luxury & wisdom & all that I've shared with you & given you"—to share with others. It really was an answer & I saw that no matter who the Lord saw fit to bring me to minister to, that he was worth it.
141. IN ONE WHOLE HUGE COUNTRY, A NATION OF MILLIONS OF PEOPLE, from clear across that nation the Lord had brought the person that needed my ministering to the most. He had brought him that night & had set him down beside me in the very seat I had been reserving for J. I had hardly talked to him or looked at him‚ but the Lord had led me to go with him to his room just to see what had happened to J. And it was then that I realised that this was the man that the Lord wanted me to minister to, even though I had already picked out someone else to minister to.
142. ABOUT J.?—WHEN DAVID PRAYED ABOUT HIM, how he could have done such a thing—right on the threshold & then to have turned tail & run, he said, "I think he was really scared; he was like that guy on the ice floe—he left just before he got the crown because he was scared. He was afraid of you, Honey, & of God 'cause he was really getting hooked. He was like the guy that ran out of the church under conviction. It was sort of like he was unworthy. He was too old, in a way, to change, he was sort of set. I didn't say he wouldn't ever change, but it's hard for him."
143. UPON ARRIVING HOME TO THE WELCOMING LOVING ARMS OF MY ANXIOUSLY AWAITING DAVID, he said to me as we lay in bed talking over the evening before going to sleep: "Honey‚ you haven't lost the art or the heart. That's where I got such a heart for them. That's why we have FFing today, because it began with travelling salesmen.—My own life of a travelling salesman & with other travelling salesmen.
144. "IT LOOKS VERY TEMPTING & EXCITING, big expense account, travel & living high in hotels & fancy eating places & seeing lots of beautiful women, nightclubs & entertainment & everything, but most of the time you wind up with the same ol' story—all alone in a lonely hotel room with nobody but your own lonely self if you don't have the Lord, & even if you do‚ really.
145. "I HAD THE LORD & HE WAS CERTAINLY A COMFORT but He can't exactly take the place of a woman which He made for that purpose. Just think, Adam had the whole World to himself, & God in the Garden of Eden & yet he wasn't truly happy or satisfied without a woman. Only a woman's bosom can satisfy us, Honey."
146. AMEN! PTL! TYJ! HALLELUJAH! AMEN! TYL! THANK YOU JESUS FOR USING THE GIRLS AGAIN FOR THY GLORY‚ Lord, to touch hearts & preach the Gospel, & we know they'll never forget it‚ Lord. They've sowed the seed in those hearts, Lord, they've gotten the hook in their jaws & they'll never be able to get away from it & they'll be held responsible for it, Lord, in time to come. We ask You to help them to really yield to Thee, Lord, to learn to love Thee & serve Thee, in Jesus' name.
147. THANK YOU FOR KEEPING THEM SAFELY, LORD, & BRINGING THEM HOME SAFELY IN ANSWER TO PRAYER. We prayed so desperately for them. Forgive me for even doubting for a minute, Lord, or allowing the Enemy to lie those fears to my heart. It was a battle, Lord, when they were out so late. So we thank You for bringing them home at that time so we could be happy & rejoice that they were safe at home & their mission was accomplished.
148. THANK YOU JESUS FOR ANSWERING PRAYER & KEEPING THEM SAFELY from any of those things that could have happened & even might have happened, Lord‚ without Thy protection. So we thank You Jesus for it‚ for keeping them safely & bringing them home safely & accomplishing their mission, Lord, of loving others with Thy love & giving them the message of Thy love‚ Lord, an example of Thy love.
149. THANK YOU LORD THAT YOU'VE OPENED UP SUCH A MINISTRY THAT CAN BE SUCH A BLESSING TO SO MANY LONELY MEN BY OUR GIRLS, LORD. Thank You Jesus that it's still a very fruitful ministry & a very needed ministry. So bless our girls around the World, Lord‚ who are faithfully loving others & showing them Thy Love & winning them to Thee, Lord. We hear so many beautiful testimonies of the souls that they've won through their love.
150. WE THANK YOU FOR THIS WONDERFUL MINISTRY THAT YOU'VE OPENED TO OUR FAMILY, something that the churches haven't done or never do & condemn, but Lord, we know that You laid it on our hearts & that You have proven that it's fruitful, that it pays, it wins souls, it saves lives & it even helps to support Thy work. TYJ!
151. BLESS THEM ALL & KEEP THEM SAFELY, ALL THY PRECIOUS DAUGHTERS & PRINCESSES OF THINE, Lord‚ queens around the World who are serving Thee, their King, faithfully & winning souls & preaching the Gospel, witnessing to men who might never have the opportunity any other way to hear & see & feel real love, Thy love, & winning their hearts for Thy glory in Jesus' name. TYL! PYL! Bless & keep them all. Keep Thy Family around the World & keep us here, Lord. Thank You for how You have & how You've used us. We read the stories with amazement & with wonder, Lord, how marvellously You are using our Family around the World, Lord, everywhere!
152. THANK YOU LORD FOR THE PEACE THAT YOU HAVE GIVEN US. The peace that You gave in our hearts after the battle we had in prayer, Lord. TYL! And that right away You rewarded our faith with the answers & that these accomplished Thy mission, in Jesus' name. PTL! Continue to keep us & give us rest & strength now & the girls who worked so hard‚ been up late two nights, Lord, we ask You to recoup their strength & rest their tired bodies that have served Thee, Lord, & others in Jesus' name‚ & all of us.—Amen.
153. I ALMOST PROMISED THE LORD THAT IF HE'D BRING YOU HOME SAFELY I'D NEVER LET YOU GO AGAIN. Oh me! I was really really praying. (Maria: I was praying that you wouldn't worry.) Oh, I was just praying, trying not to worry. TYL! Hallelujah! Honey, you don't know how glad I am to have you back. (Maria: Honey, I'm glad to be back.) I just really really prayed that if the Lord would bring you home I'd never be mean to you any more. (Maria: Oh Honey, you're never mean to me, you're wonderful!) And I'll never ask you to FF any more, & I never never... (Maria: Oh‚ Honey!) ... Well almost, but I didn't quite do that because I knew I shouldn't do that.
154. (MARIA: BUT HONEY, IT WAS GOOD FOR ME & WE SURE HAD A LOT OF MEN WILLING TO TAKE CARE OF US!)—Ha! (Maria: They were all vying for our attention!) I love you, Honey! (Maria: It's sad that there are so many men standing around & so few girls there to keep them company, & we danced with some of the others too just a little bit at least.) That's too bad that so many girls must be selfish & aren't willing to come & love'm. (Maria: Yes. But he was really precious.)
155. I'M SO GLAD HE WAS SWEET & KIND & THAT HE WAS GENTLE. (Maria: I think we really got through to him.) ... As long as he was gentle & loving. (Maria: Amen, he was.) TTL! Then I'm happy. Honey, I really prayed they'd be kind to you & gentle. (Maria: Oh, they were, Sweetheart.) I really really prayed that the Lord would take good care of you & give you the strength & the wisdom. You ask Dora, I just kept praying. That was all I could do. I couldn't make love to her for being so busy praying for you! (Maria: Well, your prayers really worked!)
156. UNTIL FINALLY I THINK I REALLY PRAYED THROUGH TO VICTORY ABOUT TWO O'CLOCK JUST BEFORE YOU CAME HOME, & then I suddenly got the peace. You know? It's funny, I just had the peace with the Lord. I said, "I can't just keep on praying all night, I've just got to put it in Your hands‚ Lord‚ & You've got to take care of it." (Maria: That was when we had the victory too, when he promised he'd pray to receive the Lord!) PTL! Oh Honey‚ that's wonderful!
157. WHEN YOU GET [SOMEONE] TO DO THAT, LET ME TELL YOU, THAT'S A VICTORY!
158. WE LEFT THE HOTEL JUST ABOUT THE TIME THE SHOW WAS SUPPOSED TO BEGIN AT 11, & we must have gotten home at 11:30 I guess, & there was Dora all dressed up & beautiful. You little rascal! I said, "Well, well‚ well! You're really all dressed up fit to kill tonight, Dora, who do you plan to kill? Who tipped you off? Somebody tipped you off!" Ha! Then I saw your little ingenious planning, Honey! She was all ready & just waiting on me. (Maria: Good, Honey!)
159. I HAD GREAT NOBLE INTENTIONS: I WAS GONNA GO IN & BE WITH THE FAMILY if they weren't too busy, & tell'm all about our FFing night, & I went to Dora's to find out where they were & she looked really knowingly at me & said, "Oh, they're all in the next room." And both she & Alfred giggled & she said, "There's nobody here but me." I thought, "Aha! I smell a plot!" And I said, "Oh well, PTL, I've been wanting to spend some time with you. Come on‚ let's go to bed."
160. SO WE CAME IN & OF COURSE WE'D MADE LOVE RIGHT AWAY & IT MUST HAVE BEEN ABOUT 12, & then I think from about one or 1:30 we fell asleep & slept. And then I woke up at 1:30 & you weren't here, & boy, did I start praying! I never prayed so hard for you in my life, Honey! I said, "Oh my God, what have I got this poor woman into?"
161. YOU TALK ABOUT THE LIES OF THE DEVIL, HE CAN REALLY GIVE YOU VISIONS! I could see the police knocking at your door, taking you to the station & putting you in a cell & I thought, "Poor little Maria in jail with all those dirty women!" Oh Honey, I could see those hard-hearted policemen taking you girls off to jail! (Maria: Oh, Honey!) And all kinds of terrible things with investigations started! (Maria: Oh my!)
162. YOU'RE HOME SAFE NOW. I'LL JUST NEVER ENDANGER YOUR LIFE AGAIN! I tried to pray, "I'll never let her FF again," but I knew I couldn't do that because that wouldn't be right. Boy, I said I'll sure take care of her & be better to her & I won't fuss at her so much. Honey, I did so much repenting, you should really give me a halo! (Maria: Honey!)
163. I MAY HAVE BEEN BEHIND IN MY PRAYER LIFE, BUT I SURE CAUGHT UP IN A HURRY while you were gone & I was praying that you'd get home safely! I really did, you ask Dora. God bless her, she stood right by me! Well, she laid right by me in prayer, we really prayed; we just joined hands & claimed it together for the Lord to take care of you, give you strength & wisdom & protection & bring you home soon.
164. AND ABOUT TWO O'CLOCK I WAS JUST ABSOLUTELY DEMANDING OF THE LORD THAT HE'D BRING YOU HOME & it was not long after that that you came. I can't understand why we didn't hear you coming in. I purposely left this door open so that we could hear you. (Maria: We came in through the other door.) Really? 'Cause I left this door open purposely so I could hear you & every car that I heard go by I prayed it was your taxi. (Maria: Oh Honey, you poor thing!)
165. (HE SAID, "YOU HAVE SUCH CUTE LITTLE TITTIES," JUST LIKE YOU SAY IT!) Oh, that's cute‚ Honey, you do have! They're beautiful! Did he suck them, Honey? He should have! (Maria: Yes, he did.) Honey‚ I'm so glad! Thank You Jesus for these titties & their helping so many men, Lord, to enter the Kingdom, so many babies. PTL! TYL! Ah Honey!
166. (MARIA: I DIDN'T THINK I'D FIND ANYBODY SO DESERVING but now I see why the Lord let J. go, because he'd already had the message & I have his address‚ but this man, I don't have his address & I'll probably never see him again except in Heaven, so he really needed it worse than J.)
167. OH HONEY‚ I KNOW THAT HE MUST HAVE BEEN WORTHY OR HE WOULDN'T HAVE GOTTEN YOU. (Maria: He really really was.) I prayed that, I really prayed that. I said, "Lord, that guy better be worthy, he better be deserving & you'd better get some fruit out of that to risk your life & everything, to risk your..." (Maria: It was such a funny night 'cause I was in three men's bedrooms & it was really funny!)
168. THANK YOU JESUS FOR GIVING HER BACK TO ME! I put her on the altar, Lord‚ like Isaac, but You gave her back to me. Thank You Jesus for answering prayer & for giving her wisdom. We asked for strength & wisdom & safety, Lord‚ to bring her home safely & You did. TYJ! XXXXXXX! Honey, he never had a more beautiful, wonderful woman in all his life‚ & he'll always remember it. (Maria: Yes, he said, "I'll always remember you.")
169. I WAS PRAYING ABOUT J., YOU KNOW, HOW COULD HE HAVE DONE SUCH A THING!—Right on the threshold & then turn tail & run, he admitted he was on the run. (Maria: Yes. He sure was, everybody was really surprised.) I think he was really scared. (Maria: Uh-huh.) Well, it's kind of like those guys on the ice floe‚ you know, the guy that left just before he got the crown because he was scared. (Maria: What was he scared of?)
170. HE WAS AFRAID OF YOU, HONEY, & GOD, 'CAUSE HE WAS REALLY GETTING HOOKED, he was like the guy that ran out of the church under conviction. (Maria: Oh dear! Does that mean he's rejected it? I mean‚ I can send him that letter.) Well, not necessarily. It was sort of like he was unworthy. The thing that came to me was he was too old, in a way, to change. Were these other guys younger? (Maria: Possibly.)
171. WELL, I DON'T KNOW, IT WAS JUST LIKE J. WAS SORT OF SET, YOU KNOW, & THAT HE JUST WOULD FIND IT HARD TO CHANGE. (Maria: That's sad. Maybe I should have given the letter to Tany. I didn't give him anything. I didn't have anything to give him.) Well, he read it so he got the message. (Maria: Yes, he remembers. Should we still send it to J.?) Yes‚ I certainly would, of course. (Maria: But if he's not going to be changed?) Honey, I didn't say he wouldn't ever change, but it was just hard for him to change. (Maria: Oh!) Very hard, because he was so old &, well, it's hard to make a change. And he was really scared.
172. (MARIA: IT'S SO FUNNY HOW THE LORD SHOWED ME WHICH ONE I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE WITH & PICKED HIM OUT‚ because that one I hadn't even been talking to & I didn't even care about or care for, & you know how He did it? Just because (funny me!) it was really funny, I wanted to make sure the guy was telling the truth & I insisted he take me up to his room & show me that J. really had moved out. I know what they all thought, of course, when I took him up on his offer to take me up & look around.) Was he the guy? (Maria: Yes, that was Tany.) That was J.'s roommate so he's the one you...
173. (MARIA: SO IT WAS REALLY FUNNY HOW THE LORD WORKED IT OUT‚ because if I hadn't gone with him to the room I never would have started talking to him & gotten him off by himself & had this whole discussion.) Aw, you mean to tell me you just went up there & didn't do anything else? (Maria: I'd just gone up to check on the room. I really just went up to look at the room.) And you didn't try it up there? (Maria: Well, I knew he wanted to so I gave him a little kiss on the lips, but that's all, & then we left & went down. And that's when I talked to him‚ see, that long long long time.)
174. AW HONEY, YOU LITTLE TANTALISER! That reminds me of what they call a prick teaser! (Maria: Well, I don't believe in making love to people unless I can really give them the message & talk to them. If they can only speak Spanish or some other foreign language I can't speak, well, then I just have to do more by action & not so much by words. But if they can speak English, I give it to'm with both barrels before I fuck'm!) Honey, I love you! I love you! You did very well in Spanish, too. (Maria: Well, it was really difficult‚ but I said a few little words here & there.) ILY!
175. (MARIA: BUT BOY, I CAN REALLY SOCK IT TO'M IN ENGLISH!) (Little girlish giggles!) You're a real soldier, Honey! I'm so proud of you. I was sure sockin' it to the Lord in prayer! (Maria: Thank you, Honey, I could feel it!) I asked the Lord to really help protect you & give you wisdom & strength‚ what a task! (Maria: He did!) TYL! (Maria: And Sue's friend L. is so sweet too.) TYJ! (Maria: Really sweet! I think we got the two sweetest boys in the bunch!) Oh, I'm so glad. PTL! (Maria: At least the two sweetest I saw.) TYL.
176. POOR ALPHIE, I FEEL LIKE I FAILED HER! (Maria: No, I think we'll see her again.) TYL! (Maria: We can make it happen. I tell these guys my wishes come true. I said‚ "I wish things for you &, you know, my wishes come true.") Good for you, Honey. (Maria: Sometimes we have to help make them come true & other times the Lord has to do the whole thing by Himself.) I'm so proud of you. Honey, you are really a soldier, a real fighter!
177. (MARIA: I LOVED THAT BATTLE‚ THAT WAS REALLY A GOOD BATTLE!) You really come to the fore of the battle, Honey, you're a fighter! You really perk up & spark up when you're in the thick of the fray. I told Alfred, "Look at her, did you see how she's practically shootin' sparks she's so excited!" (Maria: Oh, Honey!)
178. HONEY, I ALWAYS DID TELL YOU WHENEVER YOU WERE FFing YOU JUST ABSOLUTELY RADIATE & sparkle & you'd get so beautiful & it's just almost unbelievable, unbelievable! I mean, the Lord did give you a special divine anointing & power for it & you would just get absolutely radiantly beautiful & sparkling & bubbly & just, I mean‚ you'd just...I can't explain it, Honey, you'd just absolutely sparkle!
179. HONEY, YOUR EYES ARE BEWITCHING! (Maria: Oh yes, when we were in bed at the end he said, "Are you trying to hypnotise me?" I said, "I think I already have but you wouldn't admit it‚ would you?") Ha! Honey, I'm so proud of you. (Maria: So I said, "You'd never admit it though.") My girls are real soldiers, I'm so proud of you!
180. (MARIA: I SAID SOMETHING LIKE, "CAN YOU UNDERSTAND HOW I CAN LOVE MORE THAN ONE MAN?"—referring to my love letter to J. he'd just read. And he said, "I don't know." I said, "Of course you know, the same as you can love more than one woman."—'Cause that's what we'd been talking about. And he said, "Yes, I guess so.") Oh Honey, it sounds like the good ol' days again! TYL! TYJ! TYL! Honey, you haven't lost your spark or your sparkle! (Maria: Oh, GB'M!) You've still got the bug! I could just tell it from lookin' at your face tonight that you were off to the races!
181. I'M SO PROUD OF YOU I COULD BUST! I'm as proud of you as an artist is of his student after recital or a sergeant of his soldier after the battle! Oh Honey, I'm so proud of you, I love you, I love you, I love you! Boy, how I did pray for you & I'm all prayed up to date!
(PTL! So Maria's FFing is far from dead!—It's not even tired!—In fact it's more alive than ever! Our FFing this past year has been the greatest ever!—And FFing prospects for the future are booming!—In fact we're expecting it to thrive when most other forms of witnessing are nearly impossible in the coming postwar days!—Have YOU FFed lately?—Better brush up & get back in shape for this coming year, as it may be the only way you can carry on & survive & continue to be a blessing to many in the difficult days to come! GBAKY FFing! PTL!—It pays!—Be sure to read "The Seven F's of FFing!"—Our latest keynote address for the coming year! It may change your life! GBY!—D.)